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2005-02-08, 4:22 p.m.
i'm reading "Can We Live 150 Years", by Mikhail Tombak.
great book.
i'll let you know if it works.
talk to me in 150 years.
*****
last night adonis and i had a talk. i just wanted to make sure he didn't have any other thoughts on what we discussed the night before.
he said he understood.
i cooked a great dinner; salmon, broccoli rabe, with french fries and a nice salad.
he's not feeling well.
i'm trying to get him on a healthier way of eating, without letting him know that's what i'm doing.
i don't want to tell him not to eat meat. i want to show him there are better ways of eating and let him decide for himself.
he has an awful farting problem. nobody farts like he does. and it stinks like you wouldn't believe. according to this book, that's a sign that there is food rotting in your stomach.
i'm not going to tell him that. but i'm going to see if it gets any better with a cleaner diet.
i made lentil soup on sunday. we had fish on saturday as well.
******
i went to the gym today, at lunch and spent some time in the steam room.
what a luxury.
my skin feels amazing.
******
i wrote an email to ross to let him know that i can't ever see him again while i'm with adonis.
he understood.
it feels strange to close doors on my past.
when i closed the door to my apartment, and took the last box out, that also felt strange.
sometimes it feels surreal; being in a relationship, waking up next to someone every morning, living with someone, answering to someone, loving someone the way i love him.
i never thought it would happen to me.
****
we're planning a trip to san fran in may.
i've never been.
******
yesterday adonis got upset because he asked me why i didn't cash in his winning $25 lottery ticket. it wasn't that i hadn't, it was my response to his question.
i told him it wasn't my money, and he hadn't asked me to do it.
he told me that his money is my money. we're a couple now. and the fact that i didn't understand that seemed to offend him deeply.
i thoguht about my friend denny, who even still, after seven years with her boyfriend maintains a separate bank account, and insists on contributing to the mortgage payment on a house in vermont, even though she knows that if things don't work out with them she doesn't want any part of it.
it's the point.
i feel the same way.
i have to feel that i'm contributing.
i also have to feel that my money is mine, and his money is his.
we've only been together 7 months. it's a bit premarture to assume otherwise.
that's my feeling on the matter.
*****
in the meantime, i'm broke.
i have so much debt, and i'm proud to say i've started paying on it. all of it.
i'm afraid to tell him how much debt i'm in. ($14,000), not to mention my school loan, ($50,000).
i know i have to come clean if we're going to get married.
he knows some of it. but that conversation made me so uncomfortable i quickly changed the subject.
do you know that the topic of money and finances is the reason so many couples fight, and sometimes leads to divorce and break ups?
i don't want that to happen with us.
*****
the fact that all of my friends think that adonis is "lucky" to have me, makes me a little nervous.
mind you, they're all happy that i'm happy, but it makes me stop and say "hmmmmm"
do you know, i feel lucky too, but i can see their point.
i give 110% in our relationship.
he's not going to do any better than that.
love rose

YESTERDAY - TOMORROW
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