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<< gone to Greece >> sunday evening, we were walking through times square, en route to the Ambassador Theater. adonis hadn't been himself all weekend. and it wasn't getting any better. "You okay?" i asked him for about the tenth time that weekend. i couldn't help it, i had to check in. this wasn't just about him, it involved me as well. "I feel like shit," he said. which to me, could have meant a lot of things. so i asked him to elaborate. "You mean physically, emotionally?" Just then he looked up, at the tallest building he could find. "I could go to the top of that building right now and jump off, that's how i feel." when i realized he was referring to the building I WORK IN, the coincidence gave me a chill that i can't describe. i immediately thought of the messenger who, about four months ago, jumped from the top floor, inner staircase, and landed ten flights below, and died. "I'm afraid it's already been done...." "Huh?" "Adonis, that's where i work....remember the story i told you about the man who jumped?" he just looked at me, not sure which part of that story freaked him out more. the fact that it was where i worked, or the fact that someone had already thought of doing the same thing. so i took him up to see where i work, because in the seven months we've been together he's never seen it. he was impressed by the pantry, the free coffee, my desk, the woodwork. but still sad. even sitting at my desk, drinking coffee, while we watched the time before we would have to leave to catch the 7PM show of CHICAGO, he seemed not himself. oh he tried. for me, he was trying. then i introduced him to one of the attorneys i work for, who had just returned from greece on business. they exchanged a few words, a handshake. but i knew what was going through adonis' head the entire time. my boss is his age, young, handsome. successful. makes a lot of money. adonis was already feeling down on himself about the fact that at 29 years old he has nothing. when my boss returned to his office the first thing adonis said was, "Do you know that if someone stands there," he pointed to the front of my desk, "And you're sitting here....they can see down your blouse?" oh brother. "First of all, you konw i don't where low cut shirts, second of all everyone here - well that's the last thing they're thinking." when we got to the theater and settled into our front row seats, he took my hand, quite seriously, and with a grip he'd never used before, looked me in my eyes and asked me if i loved him. "Of course i do, are you crazy? Do you really need to ask?" but i knew why he was asking. he needed assurance. prior to seeing my place of work, i had taken him to my gym, one of the top gyms in the city; gorgeous with sauna, steam room, swimming pool and all state of the art equipment and wide screen televisions. but it wasn't the equipment he seemed so preoccupied with. it was the men. again, i knew what he was thinking. THIS is where she comes every morning before work. as he looked in my eyes, i started to cry. "You should know by now that i love you. Look at what i've given up to be with you." "I know. Just don't make any mistakes, ok?" MISTAKES? "You mean in the kitchen?" I was smiling. "No, not the kitchen..." "What are you talking about?" "Well you know, you're in the city here...i don't know." he didn't have to explain i knew then that he was feeling the way i did the night he stayed out until 4:30 in the morning. INSECURE. what if she is screwing her boss. what if she wants to screw her boss. what about all the men at the gym. the men at her job are surely looking at her tits. and the men at the gym.... i was a little hurt, the same way he must have felt when i told him that i imagined him talking to other women when he's out late and drinking. "I don't believe you would even say that to me," i said. "WEll...." "I don't want anyone else, okay? I don't think about other men. I don't look at them that way. And i certainly don't want other men. i LOVE you." "Okay." "And what about YOU - i mean come on, you're out late when you go out, and you're drinking...." "Then you don't know me." "Well, if you had to say that to me, then you don't know me." enough said. we stopped the foolishness and instead of holding one hand, we held both hands, tightly, for the entire show. as i sat there watching CHICAGO, all i could think about was the talk we'd had that morning. i was doing the dishes, after cooking us a nice breakfast. we were listening to a greek radio station. i was thinking about my dog. sherry has sarah now. i can go and visit her anytime i want, but it's not the same. i miss her, and my cat, bob, terribly. so i told him, "I'm going to see sarah today." no reply. but he did nod. he was listening intently to the radio. that's when i turned to look at him and realized how sad his expression was. saturday had been much the same, but not quite so obvious. i went over to him and put my arms around him. "What's wrong?" i asked him. "I miss Greece," he said. "I'm thinking i could go back and buy a sheep and a chicken and that's it." i took a deep breath in, resting my chin on his shoulder. "I know," i said. "I know. You're confused." "Confused....that is a good word." not only did i know that's what he was going to say, i understood his pain, his longing. i felt that way about my animals, but i could go and see them anytime. he, on the other hand, had not seen his family in FIVE years, or his country. i began to cry. it's called empathy, and when you love someone you can't help but feel it. well of course he noticed i was crying. "Why you cry?' "Because I'm sad for you," i sniffled. "Because I can't imagine being away from my family and friends for five years." he didn't say anything. but he did reach his hand to his shoulder and rest it on top of mine. we stayed like that for about a minute. then, he returned to listening ot his radio show, and i went and showered. while i had been showering he had gone and bought the New York Post. (he forces himself to read American newspapers so that he can learn more English.) *********** he smiled. "Why?" "You know why...this is serious. Your feelings about wanting to go home to live." "I know." "Because this involves me also. Because if you're confused then it means there is a question in your mind. Because if you decide to go back to Greece to live, well...that's not something I'm ready to do with you." "You won't come with me?" "No adonis, i couldn't. We've only been together seven months. I've already sacrificed so much, only to have you sitting here now feeling this way, not sure if you even want to stay here with me. Imagine if i go with you to Greece only to have you decide you don't want to be with me? I have a job that i love, that I worked really hard to get, and I have friends and family here that I would miss." "I understand." we were both laying on the bed now. I was stroking his cheek with my hand. he looked like he was ready to cry. "HOw much of you wants to be back in Greece right now?" "100%" now he was smiling. "And what is keeping you here in America." "That's a good question." (wrong answer, i expected him to, at the very least, say that I was keeping him here.) "What is it about Greece that you miss, that you can't have here?" "My family." "Okay, but other than your family, because you could go back and visit them." "The culture." "You can't have that here in Astoria?" "It's not the same." "I know." i understood. of course i understood. Astoria is an Americanized version of Greece. not unlike Little Itlay. Yes, the culture and the food, and the language is there, but it's not the same. "I can't move to Greece right now," i said again. "Adonis, I don't speak fluent Greek, where would I work? Not only that, I would have only you to speak to. It would be difficult to make friends and I would be very lonely. And I can't live in a village..." "I told you," he said smiling. "You would go there and leave the next day...I know you. For sure you would leave." "What would you do for work there? Isn't it hard to find work?" "If i go back to Greece, tomorrow, the next day, for sure I'm going to have work. And there I could be a manager. I have skills now that I don't have before." "But you make good money now working for your uncle." "I do?" "Don't you?' "The money he pays me is shit. I have no social security. I have no paid holidays. I'm tired, rose. I'm sick and tired." this conversation was sounding very serious to me. that the idea of returning to his country was not just a thought in his head, it was something he was considering, quite seriously. I began to weep. I couldn't speak for about thirty seconds. "Why you cry?" "Because I don't want to lose you. Because I moved in with you because I thought you had decided THIS is what you wanted. A life in America, with me." "Why you won't come with me then?" "I just told you why. It's too soon. After seven months....how do i know...i'd be giving up even more, and then what if it doesn't work. It woudl be different, maybe two, three years down the road...if we're married...thinking of having children...or if we had a child...." i was making sense. he understood. but there was no where else to go with this conversation. only time would tell. but i couldn't stop crying. and he couldn't assure me that everything was going to be all right. instead he just laid beside me, wiping my tears, and holding me. i had to get out of there. "I have to go now...to see sarah. I'll be back later," i said. "You're going to go out now, like this?" i knew that i looked like shit. i'm sure my eyes were red and puffy, but i didn't care. "Yeah." "All right. I'm going to go for coffee with George, if you want to meet us later." "Okay." ******** i did meet him later for coffee, after a nice visit with sarah and sherry. i cried as soon as i saw sarah. sherry found a great new roommate, a fantastic apartment, and now she has sarah.... i actually began to envy her. yes, i found love....but her life looked so much safer to me, and having sarah... oh sarah. i hugged her and didn't want to let go. sherry saw that i was crying and thought it was just that i missed sarah so much. but it was so much more than that. i didn't want to talk about it though, not really. ****** when i got to the cafe, george, john and adonis were gathered around a small round table at their USUAL cafe hangout. one thing about adonis and his friends, they are creatures of habits. they always go to the same cafes and night clubs and see the same faces. i'm sure th ey continue to go there because it gives them a sense of security - knowing who is in the room with them. i wondered if adonis had, had a chance to talk to his friends about his situation, what was on his mind. regardless, he still seemed a bit solemn. not his usual self. he bought me a pair of Chanel Sunglasses from a Philipino salesman who tends to make his rounds at this cafe on sundays. a real character this guy. guaranteed they were authentic. i wasn't buying it. adonis did. he wanted me to have them. he paid sixty bucks for them. i accepted them with many thanks. they are beautiful, regardless of whether or not they're authentic. but if i could have any valentine's gift i would want some kind of guarantee that he isn't going to leave me for Greece. ****** sunday evening, after CHICAGO, we went home, had a bite to eat, then climbed into bed together. he held onto me with so much love. something felt different to me. and then the thought occurred to me.... i thought, if we had met in greece he would not have fallen in love with me. if we had met in greece, i would have been the one in a strange country, alone, with no love. i would have been the vulnerable one. here, in America, for five years no family, no real love to speak of. he was lonely. i appeared. does it sound like i don't have the confidence in myself to believe that i was enough for him to love regardless of how lonely he was at the time? wouldn't you wonder the same thing? Valentine's morning we woke up early. he made love to me. my pleasure was his top priority. i came. he didn't. we got up and began our day. that night i returned home with a horrible headache. he was exhausted. he asked me what i wanted to do, truthfully i told him i wanted to order food and eat at home. which we did. and he paid for it. but something was wrong. he was tired, yes. exhausted. but he was still sad. i sensed it. and a little distant even. i gave him the card i'd picked out for him for V-day....hoping he'd be affected. he read what i wrote, out loud, no feeling. while i cried because what i'd written was from my heart. about how blessed i feel to have him in my life, that he opened his heart and his home to me, that he took a chance on our relationship even though there was so much going against it. he did not respond. thank you is simply not part of his vocabulary to begin with. and when he says "i love you" he is always drunk. the last time he expressed this sentiment was in a text message that night he didn't return until 4:30 in the morning. i don't mind. i don't expect it. he shows it in other ways. also inside the card was a receipt to show him that the pair of Converse sneakers he'd been looking everywhere for, were on their way in the mail. he didn't say much, except to make sure i'd ordered the right size. not ungrateful. but very little emotion. and as we settled into bed he apologize because the one thing i had asked for, a massage from him, he could not deliver, because he was so tired from work. i understood. his back hurt too. we were both having back problems. i didn't want him to kill himself. but i had one more thing i wanted to give to him, regardless. he still wasn't himself, even after i gave him an amazing blow job. even after we woke up this morning and i made him his breakfast, his lunch, and lovingly applied Tiger Balm to his back, and he kissed me goodbye. something was missing. he is there physically, but emotionally and mentally i am convinced...he's gone to Greece.
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