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bitching According to Leo Buscaglia, "It's up to us to give our relationships a chance. There is nothing greater in life than loving another and being loved in return, for loving is the ultimate experience." I love Adonis, but I have to tell you, it's not always the ultimate experience and lately I've been asking myself, "Is this it?" As much as I was be devastated if he decides to go back to Greece, quite honestly, a part of me fantasizes about what it would be like to have my freedom back again, my own apartment, some room to breathe. Not to have to answer to anyone. Not that he smothers me....but sometimes I just need some space. I wonder if he feels the same way. He doesn't let on if he does. Usually you can sense if a man is beginning to feel hemmed in. Last night he came home in a bad mood because the corner store owner who usually sells him a 35 pack of Poland Springs for $10, decided to charge him three dollars more. Which, in my opinion, is still a steal. But for Adonis it was the POINT. One he could NOT let go. For a half hour he went on, in Greek, swearing (i'm sure) about the Bastardia -(Bastard). Well of course this put a damper on my good mood and made me resentful based on the fact that I had given up my time - the time I was going to use to do some yoga, to start his dinner early so that it would be ready when he got home from work. This night I had also chosen some of his favorite foods; Greek Sausage, fried potatoes and Cabbage, because he's been so sad these last couple of days and i wanted to do SOMETHING to cheer him up. I ignored him, as he went on and on, but as always he kept on until he could get some kind of reaction from me. "Am I right, yes or no?" he finally asked me. "Do I have idiot right here?" he continued, pointing to his forehead. "HUH?" "No, you're not an idiot," I responded, flatly, peeling the potatoes. "But he is a business man, and the price he's charging you now is still very good for the amount of water you're getting, and he would have done the same thing to someone else." "Thank you VERY much," Adonis responded, his voice laced with sarcasm. He was deeply offended. In his opinion I had sided with the Bastardia. "Thank you for that." Instead of breaking down, I got angry. "Life is too short," I reminded him. I didn't care if it pissed him off further. "Too short to get yourself upset over a case of water. Let it go." He was in the bathroom now, still mumbling, swearing (I'm sure) in Greek. I almost lost my appetite. But i refused to let him ruin my night. Although my mood was greatly effected, I would see to it that he knew how he had made me feel. ********** "What's up?" he asked me, halfway through dinner. WE hadn't said a word to each other. I couldn't even look at him. I told him. "You've been sad for two days so I thought I'd make you a nice dinner. But then you come home in a bad mood, and none of that seems to matter now. And I feel very confused." "Confused about what?" "Us. You. I have this feeling you're going back to Greece and then what's the point in any of this?" "You're coming with me." It wasn't a question. "No, I told you. I'm not ready for that." He looked sad again. THe anger had fallen from his face. "Why?" I thought we'd already had this conversation. "Adonis, because I am not ready to give up everything to live in Greece with you. What if I'm not happy there. to give up my job, that I love, to leave my friends, I would have no one else to talk to but you. I would be very lonely." He seemed to understand, but I'm convinced he won't relent on this topic. Who knows if he's going, or staying. Part of my confusion stems from that very question, of which he has no answer for me. So I don't know whether to put a wall up, or keep my heart open to him. ***** We ate. But there was great tension. I hate to admit it, but in the back of my mind I was starting to think about all that I do for him, and one of those "What has he done for ME lately?" questions popped into my head. I don't like thinking this way. I don't do things for him because i EXPECT something back in return. Do I? FUCK. It's just that....well jesus, I'm the one doing all the cooking and cleaning. IN the beginning of our relationship, when I would stay the night at his place, he would usually wake up the next morning and make me breakfast. Last night I hinted at the fact that I might like it if he made me breakfast sometime, or prepared my lunch, or made me dinner more often. But I tried to say it as nicely as I could. Sometimes I feel that he no longer appreciates that I do these things. He expects them. The problem is, in the Greek Culture, women are raised to serve their men. Wives serve their husbands. Daughters, their fathers and brothers, uncles, cousins....women are second class citizens. Things, I am told, are changing a lot, but still a lot of old school behavior going on in Greece. Valentine's Day, I'm sorry to say this....yes he bought me a pair of Chanel Sunglasses on Sunday afternoon, but I didn't ask for them. All I asked for was a massage and he was too tired to deliver it on V-Day. He did pay for takeout, and told me we could eat out if I wanted, but I had a headache, so i was just as happy to stay home. What did I give HIM? Tickets to the musical Chicago, a pair of Converse sneakers, and a blow job. He fell asleep soon after, so there was no reciprocation. Which is another thing that has been much on my mind these days. The sex with Adonis is great. Don't get me wrong. But usually I have to make myself cum. Also, I don't always cum, and it doesn't always seem to be a concern for him. Last night we had sex, he came, then he fell asleep. I felt disappointed, well maybe neglected is more like it. Only because the night before i gave him a blow job and he came and fell asleep then as well. But then, as if sensing that I had felt let down, he redeemmed himself this morning. He redeemed himself by rousing me out of sleep at 4 in the morning with a nice hand job. What can I say. Perhaps my hope for perfect equality in a relationship is completely archaic. Perhaps it's not possible. Perhaps I should stop keeping track of what I do in this relationship, versus what he gives, and just enjoy being in it. But I think that you start thinking this way only because you start to become painfully aware that you are giving far more than the other person. Otherwise, I would probably not even give it a second though. Sure I do the dishes, cook, and clean, but he is also willing to do these things ON OCCASION, and does them. But only ON OCCASION. Do I sound like a bitch? I do love him.
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