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the reward last night all he wanted to do was make love to me, but i couldn't do it. i couldn't go through the motions without the emotions. i didn't even want him to kiss me. i needed time to heal. "i'm sorry i don't want sex tonight," i apologized. "i'm so sorry. just hold me. please just hold me." desperate to get things back to the way they were BEFORE he had abandoned me on the N train, he couldn't stop himself. he kept kissing me. i still didn't understand what happened. it was sort of a blur. what had i done to deserve it? one minute we were out with friends having a great time, and the next minute we were standing on the N train on our way home and he was looking at me with disgust. why? was he upset that i'd gotten drunk and could barely keep my eyes open? we he still upset that i had gotten upset with him when on a few occasions he'd said something to trigger my ultra sensitivity, or looked the wrong way at my friend Jenny. despite my admonition, he couldn't stop trying to kiss me. all he wanted was for me to respond. why wasn't i responding? i saw the fear in his eyes. he was afraid i was going to slip away from him forever. i was also afraid. i didn't want to feel this way - or not feel anything, which was worse. i felt only numb. and exhausted. i hadn't slept at all the night before, had gone all day running errands, to the dentist and then to see a three and a half hour rendition of David Rabe's "Hurly Burly", starring Ethan Hawke at the Acorn Theater. Now it was past midnight on Saturday and i was spent. i had nothing to give. and i wanted nothing in return but his arms around me and the television. still, he kept on. kissing my neck, my forehead, my cheeks, my lips. like a child hungry for his mother's forgiveness and love. my impulse was to pull away. which i did a few times, but he couldn't help himself - running his hands over my body, pressing his body up against mine. i could feel how strong his desire was for me. i wanted to satisfy that, but i couldn't. i just couldn't. "I can't," i said again, and this time began to sob. i didn't know why i was crying really. i guess i was afraid that although i had forgiven him for abandoning me on the train, but at the end of the day i couldn't stop replaying his harsh words to me when he called me a half hour later he'd abandoned me to tell me that if i didn't come home NOW then i should come and get my stuff. i was already headed back into the city to stay with Jenny. "NO way," i shot back. "YOU left ME on the train. Why should I come home." and when he tried calling back, i wouldn't pick up his calls. he had punished me, now i would punish him. teach him for leaving me like that. "I would NEVER have done that to you," i slurred. "NEVER." that night, at two o'clock in the morning, i had given in to Jenny's suggestion that i at least text message him to let him know i was safe with her. i didn't want to. i WANTED him to worry. but then i realized she was right. that despite what he had done, i knew he would be worried. so i sent him a text to tell him i was at Jenny's, and also that i would come and get my stuff the next day. and that i was confused. the next morning i expected to find a new lock on the door. one that i couldn't open. one that would keep me from getting to my things. prevent me from leaving. it was 8:15 am when i arrived home. the street were quiet. it was cold outside, but the sun was shining. adonis had already left for work. i knew he wouldn't be there. to my surprise nothing had changed but the secure feeling i'd had that our relationship would prevail. the first thing i did when i got back to the apartment was kick off my shoes and lay down in our bed. i breathed in, with my head on his pillow, hoping to catch his scent. i wanted to feel close to him again. nothing was touched or moved or changed in the apartment except for two things. there was a coffee cup on the kitchen table. he had made himself coffee before going to work. and there was a pack of cigarettes and an ashtray filled with butts on the nightstand. adonis only smokes when he drinks. but last night i was sure he smoked because he was stressed. i began to cry. i didn't want to lose him. i didn't want it to be over. was it over? and if it was over then why? what had i done wrong? was i really going to pack up my things and just leave? i laid there for about thirty minutes before i finally decided it was best to be an adult about this. i text messaged him. "I'm here now" (Notice i didn't use HOME now), "And feeling very sad and confused." not even ten seconds went by when my phone rang. he sounded relieved when he answered, "Good morning." good morning? it was as if he wanted to pretend the previous evening hadn't happened. "Uh, hi. How are you?" "I'm feeling like shit," he said. good, i thought to myself. you should. "I have a head ache he continued. "I didn't sleep at all." "Me neither." silence. "Why did you leave me on the train?" "You got upset with me." "I got upset with YOU?" "Yeah, you were getting upset with me all night, i needed to walk." "So you left me, drunk, on the train? What if something happened to me." "I know i fucked up." "You're just saying that." "No, it's true." "And then you tell me to come and get my stuff? What is that?" "I know. I'm a scum bag." "WEll yeah it was a shitty thing to do. I would never have done that to you." "I knew you wouldn't come home." "Why did you have to threaten me?" "I couldn't help myself. IT just came out. YOu weren't answering the phone." "I didn't answer the phone because you told me if i don't come home to get out." "I didn't say that." "Yes you did." silence. "Adonis...." "Yeah...." "I'm very confused." "Why are you confused?" "I try to remind myself that you're still very young." "Why do you have to say that?" "Because it's true. Because an older man wouldn't have done a thing like that. It's childish what you did. But i remind myself that you're only 29, you still have a lot of growing up to do." "Hey, I'm not a baby." "Well you acted like one. "It just...." "What?" "It just made me feel so far away from you. Like we're so far from marriage and children, you know? Like what are we doing here? Everytime we take three steps forward, some things happens and we've fallen two steps behind." i could hear him pounding away with a hammer. "Why don't i let you get back to work," i said. "It's probably better if we talk later." "NO, no, no, it's okay. It's okay." i sighed. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I was hoping you'd be here when i got home this morning," i said. "But i know you had to go to work." "You know i work on Saturday." "Yes, i know. Look, I'm not going to pack my stuff up, alright?" "Good, because i don't want you too." "But next time you threaten me with something like that, I'm really going to leave. You can't keep playing this card. It makes me feel like I can't trust you." "I know when i said it that it was wrong. I was very angry with myself. I was going to explode at myself." "Let's move forward then, okay?" "Okay." "I'm just glad we talked." "Me too." "Now we both don't have to spend the rest of the day feeling bad and wondering if our relationship is over or not. We both agree that it was a stupid thing." "Right." "Listen i'm going to take a shower and lay down." "Yeah you should try to sleep. Maybe do some stretch." "I'm not really feeling like yoga this morning," i said. "But i am going to try and relax a while." "Good." "Okay, i'll see you later." "Okay, yeah." "Have a good day." "You too." ***** i was still crying. i couldn't stop myself. he wanted to kiss me, and i just wanted him to wait until i was ready again. "Shhhh....Rose, please, it's okay, it's okay. We'll watch TV okay. WE'll just watch the TV." the night had been, for the most part, a success until that moment he shattered my trust in him. we met up with my friend jenny and her boyfriend for dinner at ANGELS, an Italian restaurant on 1st Avenue. jenny and her boyfriend have been considering breaking up, so i had anticipated the evening being tension filled. i just hadn't expected the tension would be between adonis and i. all the same, it had been an occasion for adonis and i to do something different for a change. instead of the usual greek restaurant in astoria, just the two of us, we were meeting up with two other people, for italian, in manhattan. so far so good. it was going so well. the food was great. adonis and i were pleased with the food. jenny and her man weren't doing so bad. and everybody seemed compatible, which is always good. then adonis suggested we go for drinks somewhere afterwards. great. so we went across the street to a local pub. i was having a great time until he told me i needed to try to be more strong, LIKE JENNY, which came at a time when i was already feeling insecure. more strong, why? and in what context? "You see," he'd said, after hearing jenny tell a story about how she'd told some customer service person off about some thing or other, "You have to be more strong, like that." me, i'm not very good at telling people off, or taking out my frustrations when a company falls short. for example, when you order a pair of size 10 1/2 men's converse sneakers and they deliver a size 5, only to tell you "We're sorry but we don't do credits, and if you want to send them back for an exchange YOU have to pay." adonis hates it when i tell him these kinds of stories and they don't end with me yelling and screaming to prove some kind of point. i'm more passive than he is. someone that is more apt to call up customer service to complain, but apologize ahead of time and making it a point to tell them that i know it's not their fault but could they please understand where i'm coming from. jenny, on the other hand, is not unlike adonis. she's a bit hotheaded - a real firecracker, engaging, charismatic. adonis seemed captivated by her. i couldn't help but notice how important it was for him to get along with her. and although my rational side told me his intentions were good, and they included me, and that he wanted her to like him because she's a good friend of mine, my emotional side became convinced he wanted to fuck her. which only fueled my upset when he made the comment. i was already feeling LESS THAN. being older than him and her (she's only 27, he's 29), and feeling out of shape, not nearly as glamorous as jenny, and far less engaging. (when you put me in a social setting i tend to sit back and am more of a listener than an entertainer.) so i had become visibly upset with adonis for his remark, and then he had become hurt by my dirty glare. he was trying so hard to make the best of an evening that couldn't have been easy for him. everyone was speaking english, quickly, using big words. i knew he didn't understand half the things we were talking about, but he didn't disengage for even a second. he wanted to fit in. when jenny and her man went out for a smoke and he and i were left alone he asked me why i got upset with him and when i told him this was the second time he had told me i should be more like jenny, and that i hadn't appreciated the remark and had a hard time understanding my upset. he certainly wasn't comparing me. he was just making a suggestion. i wanted to tell him it was more than the "suggestion" he'd made. i had noticed him looking at her boobs. i had noticed that he was trying to say things to please her. things that were out of character. things that surprised me. (i don't remember now what they were, just that they were very unlike him). i felt bad. he hadn't done anything wrong really. and i was glaring at him, so when they returned i put my hand in his, and silently and privately we made amends without jenny or her boyfriend ever noticing there'd been a problem. so you can imagine my surprise when, on the train ride home, suddenly, we were standing there and i saw him looking at me with disgust. he claims i had gotten upset with him again about something, and for that reason he'd been disgusted. but i don't remember getting upset. i do know that i was very drunk. i remember looking at my reflection in the subway window. i didn't like what i saw. i needed to sit down. so i sat. and he stood. with his back to me. and then the door opened, one stop before we were supposed to get off, and he bolted. and i just sat there feeling confused, abandoned and paralyzed, as the train pulled away i began to cry. ***** it was the way he was touching me that brought me back to him. he started touching me in all the right ways. in ways that told me he was more concerned for my pleasure than his. in gentle ways that told me he was sorry. that he loved me. that he was here for me. but in the back of my mind i kept seeing him walk off that train, and kept hearing his words on my voicemail saying, "If you don't come now, then forget it." his hands moved from my breasts down between my legs and his fingers started moving in soft, gentle, circular motions. he was surprised and excited when he discovered how wet i was. my body was responding to him now. i wasn't pulling away. somehow, magically, i was ready again to let him get close to me. i turned to kiss him. i began to moan. i began to feel trust again. and love. and desire. and fire. when i came it was incredible. i hadn't come like that with him ever before. it was almost a spiritual experience. an awakening, a release of some sort. a letting go. and then i collapsed into his arms, sobbing, and he begged me to stop, stroking my face, wiping my tears, holding me so tightly to him i thought i would smother to death. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," i said. "It's okay, really. I don't know why i'm crying." "Shhhh....shhh...please don't cry, Rose. It's okay, it's okay. let's just go to sleep okay?" "No, no, i want you inside me, it's okay." but it wasn't okay. and he knew it. i was still sobbing. i couldn't stop. he didn't want to push me. "I just...I...I keep seeing you walk off that train. you left me there. i don't know why i can't forget it. and then you told me to come and get my stuff. you can't...you can't say those things to me....it hurts." "I know. I know. I'm so sorry. I love you Rose. I do. Okay. I love you." i cried myself and him to sleep. we were closer then than we'd ever been. i was grateful. and relieved. so was he. **** when we woke up this morning we made love. this time he came. and admitted that, like me, it had been incredible. more incredible than any other time. how do you explain something like that? we were both somehow awakened to each other in ways we hadn't been before. certainly the lesson here was to never take the relationship or each other for granted. and communication is, of course, the key and the gift. the love is the reward.
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