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for anis this one is for you, Anis. ****** well, i know it's been a long time. but you know what they say...no news is good news. i can hardly believe it, adonis and i have been together nine months - for chrissakes, that's long enough to birth a baby. im a way i guess something has been born. wow. a relationship. sometimes i really can't believe i'm in one. ME? i'm the girl who vowed she could never live with a man. and certainly never marry a man. and definitely never consider having children. (NO WAY JOSE) i'm the girl with the past who never thought she could actually have a future with someone other than herself. but alas i am not fool enough to believe that things can't change in a heartbeat. that tomorrow i could wake up and all this could turn out to be a sham. at least i know i could survive on my own. if this doesn't work out, i'll know i'll be okay. but for today, i am living proof that even the girl with the past can look forward to a future with a man that can love her for who she is - not how good she is in bed. (although that's always a plus, i'm sure). ***** our life has become routine, but in that routine there is security. something i've never known before. he has become a good friend, my confidante, my family - my lover. a wonderful lover. i have started doing things again for myself. a visit to the spa for a massage. early morning visits to the gym. plans with girlfriends. this weekend i'm getting my hair done. we have stopped fighting, and started to accept each other - flaws and all. he has affectionately nicknamed me "the mess", because everywhere i go i drop something, or spill something and i'm oblivious. i have affectionately nicknamed him "stinky", because the damn farting just never seems to stop. we have begun to talk about marriage. in june it will be one year. the discussion usually goes something like this - a trip to Greece subtext for, "when are we getting married?"... ADONIS: when are we going to greece? ROSE: well you know we can't go to greece until we're married. ADONIS: (smiling) i know. ROSE: maybe for Christmas? i was thinking a city hall wedding in new york, end of june, with a few close friends. then a real church wedding in greece when we visit your family. it's very cheap to get married at city hall. ADONIS: someone said it's like fifty dollars. ROSE: yeah something like that. but then we change the subject. no official "proposal". i'm not sure either one of us really knows what we're doing, or if we're really ready for this. i think we want to be. we are planning a trip to Santa Monica in July. this would qualify as a honeymoon???? children? well he wants five, but i'm only willing to have ONE tops. can he live with that? he says he can, but i worry that we'll end up divorced one day and then he'll marry someone younger who will birth him another four children. i worry too much about these things. i worry that when i start to age (sooner than him), he will lose interest in me sexually. i worry about our age difference (six and half years), because as men age they get better, and as women age they become undesirable. (not my opinion, but seems to be the opinion of so many middle-aged men as they end up engaging in some kind of affair with someone half their age). the problem is it's hard for me to trust adonis because he's a man, and from my experience men don't remain faithful. they may start out in a relationship with very good intentions, but eventually (from my experience) they all end up cheating. i realize that's not fair to him, so i try. i try to have the appearance of someone who trusts. (does this make sense?) i encourage him to go out on the weekends without me, when i'm to tired to bother. i realize that holding him back will only push him away. i also enjoy having time to myself, so why not. i also can't stand the fact that all the greek clubs in astoria still allow (and actually encourage) smoking. but i can't tell you how crazy he makes me when he comes back and tells me that some woman asked him to buy her a martini. he jokes about how he told her he was homeless and then she walked away, but what was he doing talking to her in the first place? you can really drive yourself mad. i would love to go out with him all the time. but i don't always want to. and i'm not one to go just to go. the loud music, too much to drink and feel like shit the next day, and the cigarette smoke is just awful. i can't breathe, and i hate the fact that my hair and clothes end up REEKING of cigarettes. i also don't have the stamina i did when i was his age. i used to go out dancing and could stay out until four in the morning, no problem, and most of that time was spent dancing. now i'm lucky if i can stay awake until two, and as for dancing, well an hour tops. my knees are fucked up. i can't climb stairs without getting winded. my back and neck constantly ache. i have a shitload of spider veins. and the grey hairs are more visible. i'm only 35 but i feel much older. he's 29, he could go all night. mind you during the week we are both asleep by ten o'clock (usually nine). his job (construction) is extremely demanding (Physically). while my job, working as a legal secretary, is demanding mentally. either way, as soon as we climb into bed at the end of the day to watch a DVD we begin to fall asleep. we NEVER make it through a movie anywmore. what happened to the days when i was up until midnight, one o'clock in the morning writing on d-land, and didn't want to sleep. this was just last year. is this what relationships do to you? i had no idea. anyway, he's good to me. we're a team now. we make each other laugh. we wrestle each other, slap each other, pinch each other, scare each other, kiss each other, hug each other, argue with each other, eat together, sleep together, clean together, have sex together, go out together.... and that's it in a nutshell. have a great weekend! love rose
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