karma
2005-05-04, 1:29 p.m.
May 4, 2005
10 months into my relationship with Adonis.
The tears have been replaced with laughter.
Criticism has been replaced with appreciation.
Suspicion has been replaced with trust.
His friends are my friends.
I speak with his family, in Greek, each Sunday.
I look forward to the end of my day when I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner and he comes home from work with a big smile on his face, the dust from the construction work on his face and clothes, strong calloused hands rest on my hips, he pulls me close to him and his lips kiss me.
The passion has not gone away. It has grown stronger. It has grown.
The seed was lust, the flower is love.
I never knew love could grow from lust.
But here it is, looking me in the face. Standing before me. Coming home to me every day. Consistent, and warm, and trusting.
The face of my father, when i was just a little girl. The same feeling in my heart when he walks through the door after a long hard day of mannual labor.
This life. This simple life. I am happy.
I love to cook. And he loves my cooking.
He doesn't expect it. He appreciates it.
I have been attending the Greek Orthodox church, regularly, and soon will be baptized and convert.
I have learned to cook Greek Cuisine, and he is so proud of how good my cooking is he tells EVERYBODY.
I got a promotion at work and he takes me out to buy me two new pairs of pants, and tells EVERYBODY.
My friends see him with me now and cannot believe the change.
No doubt in their minds. He LOVES you! They are so happy for me, you would think it was happening to them; denny, sherry....and martin.
But not lola.
Lola can't be happy for me because my love for adonis makes her "ill" and she doesn't believe me - thinks I'm "faking it." What right does Adonis have to live in this country. He doesn't pay taxes. And good luck to Rose, she'll end up living in a hut, wiping sweat from her brow, mixing the soup up while Adonis goes out with his friends.
Our friendship, needless to say, is now over....a second time. Goodbye Lola.
Civil ceremony to take place in June, next year we'll fly to Greece and get married in the church in his village.
I have a breakdown about my father. I had always dreamed that when I got married my father would be there to walk me down the aisle. But I don't even know who my father is anymore. It's been 14 years.
Adonis is confused by my tears, my emotional ups and downs as of late. But still he comforts me. He is bothered by the fact that I am letting this....this "animal" upset me. But he'll go with me to Boston to confront my father if that's what I want.
I consider it for a moment, but quickly decide against it. A face to face with someone that has refused, time and time again, to see you over the years, would only bring up the feelings of rejection that I fought so hard to erase.
Instead I write a letter to my father.....
Dear Dad
I hope that you are well.
I am getting married June 17th to a good man who I love very much.
I'm sorry you are no longer a part of my life.
I forgive you.
Love Rose
******
As I drop it into the mailbox, i breathe and i let go.
Now I can get on with my life. The life I will share with Adonis.
*****
I don't like the past.
I don't spend much time there anymore.
I like to remember my mother as if she were still here right next to me, the smell of her Charlie Perfume in the air, and the knowledge that she believed in me.
But the past is in the past.
And it's time to live in the moment, and plan for the future.
For those of you who have been reading me from the beginning, well you know what a journey it's been. I've lived in some dark places. I've done things I'm not proud of . I used to believe that I was meant only to be second in this life.
Mistress to many, wife to none.
It felt safe. I knew what I was dealing with. I didn't have to TRUST. It wasn't a question of Trust, or of Love. It was a lonely young woman who was happy somebody was taking an interest in her, even if it was mostly sexual.
But it was really very destructive.
*******
They say, what comes around goes around.
I know it first hand. Believe me.
I was once the woman i now fear more than anything.
I know how easy it is for a man to enter into a sexual relationship with a woman other than his wife. And even though I tell myself what I learned from my experiences, that men can love their wives but still want to have sex with other women, it only makes me feel worse to consider the possibility that one day Adonis might not only want to have sex with someone other than me, he could do it.
I would be devastated.
When you love someone the idea that another woman could come along and tempt him, or steal him away makes you sick to your stomach. And the knowledge that I carry inside, the generalization that ALL men will cheat if given the opportunity (based on my experience with married men), haunts me every day.
THIS is my greatest challenge. To let go of this belief. And to TRUST. To give Adonis, not just my heart, but my TRUST in him.
****
There is so much more to say...but I have run out of words for now.
Welcome back into my life.
Love Rose
YESTERDAY - TODAY - TOMORROW
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