|
|
|
easier said than done
2005-07-28, 3:56 p.m.
am i a depressed person? what the hell is wrong with me? every night i go home and it's the same - i cook, i clean, i crash.
not just crash -boom- i'm tired.
i crash emotionally.
i feel like i'm empty. like i have nothing to give. like i want nothing. like i don't know what i want.
and adonis notices. and he's like a child constantly pleading with me to tell him, "What's wrong?"
he thinks that i know what's wrong. but i don't. he thinks i'm withholding some great truth about myself. (which i am, but we all know it has nothing to do with him).
so much goes through my mind when i try to pinpoint the problem.
MY problem.
not his.
my dreams. where did they go? i moved to new york city to pursue a career in theater. first i was convinced i had to become a successful actress. (successful, not necessarily famous). so i came here. it was a little late in life ( was 28). i came on scholarship through college. had to audition for the damn thing. then got in and only did ONE show. maybe went on three or four auditions, TOPS. then gave up.
discouraged. i managed other people's lives. people who still had the dream i no longer had.
i lived vicariously through their possibilities, and their failures.
i learned that i could still write. and in fact i had a passion for it. and nobody could tell me i couldn't.
i put my heart and soul into my blog. into the design, the networking, my readership, and its content. now even that has been compromise for fear that if my identity were to ever be discovered and the contents of i revealed to adonis, it would destroy my marriage.
it was never my dream to get married, to have kids. now i look at the ring on my finger and i can't believe that's my hand.
i am married.
i feel a bit fraudulent and undeserved.
i'm the bad girl, remember? the one who, because of her past, never dreamt in a million years she would ever find someone to love her.
the other night i watched a movie about a woman with a past and i cried, while adonis slept soundly. i became frightened by my own company, my thoughts, the darkness, the truth about my past and the realization that keeping it from the man i love is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
not because i chose to. because he asked me to.
because he didn't want to know. remember?
a part of me was relieved, sure. but another part of me was terrified. sure i had decided it was probably best he never know, but i also felt that if he ever asked me point blank about any detail i would have to tell him. it would be his right.
what i didn't tell you was that about a month prior to our marriage, while we were out drinking one night, he revealed something deeply personal to me. but he revealed it to me as if it were nothing.
he had been living in athens, had no job, no money and let a man go down on him for $20. and there, he had said it. and i accepted it with a loving smile and a pat on his back, and a "Hey you did what you had to do?" and then, "Did you enjoy it?" (only fueling my paranoia about the possibility that he has bisexual inclinations)
with a smile he admitted that it wasn't bad, and then we never discussed it again.
until the night before we left for santa monica. we were having sex and i began fantasizing that he was getting his cock sucked by some faceless man, dressed up as a woman. strangely, i found it erotic. i ended up sharing this with him. he didn't seem to mind. he said, "Hey whatever you like to think about you can."
and then i made the mistake of asking him....something i had been wanting to ask him since that night, but too afraid.
"Are you still attracted to men?"
i can only tell you that he was devastated by the implication that i ever assumed he was attracted to men in the first place and was angry that i was bringing this up NOW. (12 o'clock AM the night before we were supposed to leave for our honeymoon.
the only thing he said to assure me was that what he had done was purely physical, he only did it ONCE, and had done it out of necessity for the money.
it was then that i wanted to tell him, "I'm not judging you. Please I'm the last one that should ever judge a person. What you did, I did it too. And not just once." But we all know what would have happened as a result of such an admonishment.
let's just say he would never have looked at me, loved me, desired me, the same way again and our marriage would dissolve.
it's not fair. he can tell me the same thing and it doesn't change my feelings for him one bit.
but he's a man, and i'm a woman. and there is a difference - something he is constantly reminding me of. which i have grown to resent and am always arguing.
*****
there are two things that i want for myself.
1) healing and forgiveness for my past behavior (i never hurt anyone buy myself).
2) to be able to balance marriage and the responsibilities of marriage with the responsibilities i have to myself as an individual.
and i could lose a few pounds
easier said than done
YESTERDAY - TOMORROW 
LEAVE A COMMENT
|
|
|
