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i married a control freak
2005-07-08, 3:49 p.m.
i want to kill myself. maybe i'll jump off the triboro bridge. that would be poetic and ironic. it's a personal joke between adonis and i. but strangely enough something i considered more than once before i met him. and now it's all i can think about. an easy out.
i just wrote a very long entry and lost it.
so i will make this very short and succinct.
i married a control freak.
he drove me crazy. for five days and five nights, criticizing, judging, complaining, burping, farting, pinching, pushing, punching, kissing, biting, nagging, dissecting...and loving. yes loving. i know he loves me. but jesus christ can't i catch a break?
he watched every move i made and questioned EVERYTHING.
i think the breaking point for me was the last night when i wore a skirt (it hung below my knees) and we were waiting for the bus to take us into hollywood and i was swinging my legs back and forth, and he asked me why i was swinging my legs and i almost snapped at him. and he could see that iw as about to snap and said, "Woa....I was just asking."
and i said, "Yeah but i know why you were asking, and I don't like the way you asked it. Why were you asking me?"
he just shook his head. there was nothing more for him to say. we both knew the reason he was asking me about why i was swinging my legs was because he thought i was PURPOSELY trying to show the world what was underneath my skirt and this made me sick to my stomach.
i wanted to scream, "This is not the middle east. i will not wear a burka. i will wear low cut shirts and skirts if i want to. you do not OWN me."
and why this, why not that, why didn't i remember to bring this, it was my fault that the water was too cold to go swimming that first day, he couldn't believe i wasn't going to pack three pairs of jeans instead of two - "you don't listen to me" - go here, go there, steering me around like a car by the back of my neck. and why was i leaving a fifteen dollar tip for a $75 check, why not $5? and when i wouldn't listen to him he got mad at me. "you don't listen to me."
i think i fell out of love with him. and now i'm very confused.
we we were sharing a bath the sound of an underwater fart and then the god awful smell made me cry. he doesn't know i cried though because i was sitting in front of him splashing water on my face gasping of air.
there's so much more, but i'm at a loss.
we had some good times too. santa monica was beautiful. but that last day and the feeling i came home with, not wanting him to touch me, feigning sleep so that i didn't have to have sex with him....
but acting like nothing is wrong.
still he knows...he senses, and he clings harder.
he loves me.
last night he just wanted to hold me and kiss me and make love....and i was like, get away from me!!!!!
i can't take the farting anymore.
and he needs to stop trying to control me.
i reminded him of a time in our relationship where i coudln't take it anymore and almost packed up and left.
he got my point.
"I'd rather be alone than to live like this," that's what i told him.
i shouldn't have to justify my every move to him.
if this is marriage i dont' want any part of it.
this may be the biggest mistake of my life.
i pray that the feeling will pass.
i know it's not just me. any woman would have felt the same way.
on a positive note...santa monica really is a beautiful place....we enjoyed the fresh farmers market, (the strawberries were amazing), we pretty much had the beach to ourselves (which was great), once we got used to the water we enjoyed the beach more (I bought a boogie board and road the waves), we got great tans, we rented bikes and rode along the pacific coast shoreline to Venice Beach (but i couldn't keep up with my young husband and it did make me feel old and out of shape) our hotel was clean and convenient (just a walk to the promenade, the pier, and the bus that took us into hollywood), universal studios was fun, we enjoyed the restaurants, and when we weren't fighting and he wasn't nagging, burping or farting it wasn't so bad.
YESTERDAY - TOMORROW 
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