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since the big meeting
2005-09-23, 4:05 p.m.
i almost left...
packed it all up and turned my back on the last year and a half.
who wants to live with a liar?
i was thisCLOSE.
without trust how can you love again? and without a confession could i ever trust him again?
"HOW could you, and to my FRIEND?"
again and again and again i asked him, "Why, why WHY? and "What a stupid thing to do," i berated him. "But it's even more stupid to deny it. Just come clean and I can forgive you. You're only making it worse by lying. If you keep lying to me I don't see how I can stay in this marriage."
again and again he denied....that last incident; with two hands, according to sherry, a quick groping when she was bending over to put the leash on the dog. (we had been taking care of sarah for the weekend and sherry had come to take her home.
"I didn't do it, I swear to god. I didn't do it. If i did it, I would tell you. I'm not afraid."
as for the OTHER times (Once going up the stairs on the way to the BBQ...and another time in front of me AT the BBQ). He tried to explain WHY, but couldn't. "I didn't mean it," was all he could say. "I was just playing around."
i already knew that. nobody ever means to fuck up. they just do.
Father George praised him....believed HIM...and apparently thought my friend was the liar, without ever meeting her. He didn't say that. But to believe my husband is to imply that my friend is lying. And I didn't like that.
"What man would come here, admit to these other incidences, and not to the last time?
he pointed out.
"SO you're saying you believe my husband?"
"Yes, actually I do."
that coming from a priest should have put my mind at ease and put us on the road to forgiveness. but it didn't.
WHO ASKED YOU, I wanted to say. But i was grateful to Father George for taking the time, free of charge, to sit with us.
And then the news sprang from my husband's lips. There was yet another incident. ANOTHER thoughtless moment of weakness at one of the local clubs. His hand, ONE hand, lightly smacking sherry's ass. AGAIN.
Father George explained, and explained. "You cannot disrespect your wife this way."
"Or hurt me," i interjected, angry that this was the first time I was hearing about this.
"Or hurt her. But you see again, why would your husband admit this to you, and not the other incident?"
"I don't know. But when did THIS happen? And why didn't you tell me before?"
"I don't know." He couldn't look me in the eyes. My husband.
JESUS CHRIST. And why didn't sherry mention it?
OK
"And that's not the only thing that hurts", i explained to Father George. "He looks at other women all the time. Even when i'm with him. Mind you, it's better now, he's really trying, but sometimes he just doesn't seem to be able to help himself."
"Is that true," Father George asks Adonis.
"I have a problem," Adonis admits.
"That's for sure," I agree.
Father George makes it a point to remind Adonis AGAIN of how disrespectful these behaviors are.
Adonis agrees. And seems to feel bad. He wants to be a better husband.
"But can we please get back to the other incident, the one he denies?" I insist
Father George seems disturbed. He asks me if i can accept the idea that my husband is telling the truth and move on.
I shrug my shoulders. I give up.
"Is it possible you could have forgotten?" I ask Adonis.
He looks to Father George. "Maybe."
hmmmmm
WE stay for two hours. When we leave we have covered all kinds of territory. Including my need for freedom. How unhealthy it is for our lives to revolve around one another. The differences in our cultures, etc.
When we go home. I'm still not feeling sure of things. But we make love and go to sleep.
The next day at work, I can't stop thinking about it.
I am 100% convinced that my friend is telling the truth. Which means my husband is either lying or has forgotten??? How do you forget the fact that you goosed your wife's girlfriend?
How do you remember a one handed slap, but not a two handed pinch?
And how do yuou remember something that happened one month ago, and not something that took place two weeks ago?
I wasn't buying it.
Next question, how do you stay married to a man you feel is lying to you?
When I got home Wednesday night I told him...."My friend is not lying. YOU are. And I cannot stay with you. I'm sorry. I can't do this." I had my mind made up. As painful as it was to say those words, I meant them.
At first he was angry. "Why don't you believe me?"
"Because my friend doesn't lie and you do?"
"I've never lied to you before?"
"Yes you did."
"WHEN?"
"When you told me that you look but you never touch."
SILENCE.....
That put him in his place.
And then i looked him straight in the face and said to him, "I don't know why you're lying but you are. Maybe you forgot. But i find it VERY hard to believe. And at this point it's not the fact that it happened, it's the fact that you aren't owning up to it. That you're blaming my friend for trying to break our marriage up, when it was YOU who did this to us. But you refuse to take responsibility."
"But I'm not afraid to tell you if I did it, I would tell you."
"Okay, well do you at least agree with me when I say that my friend doesn't lie. My friend does NOT lie. Which means you did it. And even if you don't remember now, you must have remembered five, ten, fifteen minutes after it happened, when she was gone, and it was just you and me. You should have told me THEN. But you didn't. You had to have known that was wrong."
SILENCE...
And then, "You're right."
"Of course I'm right. And what really bothers me is if you didn't tell me obviously you didn't think there was anything wrong with your behavior. That you don't know right from wrong. And I don't want to be with someone who can't control himself. Who just acts on impulse. And with my FRIEND? My FRIEND? Why not your friend's girlfriends? HUH? I notice that you never touch THEM, not even jokingly? Because you KNOW how inappropriate that would be. And yet.....you didn't think it would be so bad to do it to MY friend. Well you're wrong."
I got up. "I have to go.....somewhere...for a few days....to really think about what I want. I can't do that here."
It wsa then that Adonis began to cry.
He begged me, "Rose please don't go, please."
Sobbing....begging.
Crying like i've never seen him cry. And later he would explain to me that nobody had ever made him cry like that since he was a child and his mother used to hit him.
He was embarassed he had broken down.
I told him, it meant something to me that he trusted me enough to show those emotions. I explained to him that anger is just a way of hiding the pain. And it's good that he was able to show the pain.
I told him, "But I don't know how i can stay here tonight. You have to understand that."
He did, he understood, but that didn't stop him from trying to stop me.
"I don't want to lose you Rose. I won't let you go. I'll stand in your way."
"You should have thought about that before."
"I know," he sniffled.
We were sitting outside now. We both agreed it wouldn't be such a bad idea to go for a walk. We had walked to the end of our street, found an empty staircase outside one of the local film studios, and sat. It was a beautiful night. He tried to kiss me, i pulled away.
"I just don't know if it's a good idea for me to stay with you. It's going to take me such a long time to trust you again."
but then his tears returned a second time when he realized I wasn't joking.
and looking at him, sitting there before me, so vulnerable, like a child....i asked myself how i could turn my back on the last year and a half....
and doesn't he deserve a second chance?
people make mistakes.
he's paid for this one dearly.
it will take some time.
but i can TRY to forgive him.
can't i?
**********
we did go home together that night. and instead of making him sleep on the couch, he shared the bed with me. and in fact we made love. it was as if we'd never had sex before. the kind of sex that fills a hunger inside someone who has a void to fill.
and we both did.
for me the void existed where the trust I'd had for him once lived. and for him....the void was the absence of my trust.
after....i laid in bed beside him and he kissed my forehead, clinging to me. Afraid to let go. Afraid that if he did, I would run away.
And I wasn't sure that I wouldn't.
YESTERDAY - TOMORROW 
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