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*sigh* i consider myself a bit immature when it comes to the emotional aspects of loving. also, i'm a hell of a lot more insecure than i ever realized i was. i put up a good front while engaged in affairs with married, unavailable men, but when it comes to my husband, who i love, i become unraveled and insecure so easily! he has not given me any reason, mind you. not since the incident that occured with him and one of my close friends. but sometimes feelings of rejection and betrayal manage to sneak their way back into my heart and i fall apart. nothing he says or does can make it better. so he just sits there and the sadness creeps in, and he just holds me. my husband is too honest. not only will he will admit to the things he has done, he will admit to his thoughts as well - if confronted. most men would tell him not to. better to lie in some situations. for example when asked, "Don't you agree that most men would like to have sex with another woman if given the chance, even though he's married?" his answer was, "It's the truth.... but that doesn't mean he would." i shouldn't find this information at all surprising, given my experience with married men who want to and DO it regardless of the risk of losing/hurting their wife and children. but to hear my husband admit to this truth is crushing, somehow. i internalize it. it makes me feel less than. the fact that i'm not enough for him that he would look at another woman and THINK about wanting to have sex with her is enough to send me into a tailspin. last night i hung up the phone with denny, who is visiting for new years, and i went from being elated by the news of her impending visit, to feeling panic. what if he so much as looks at my friend's ass (let alone slaps it) - remember the sherry incident? what if he looks at her a certain way, or flirts, or tells her she's beautiful. (did i ever tell you about Jenny jenny....tight assed, big boobed, blond haired jenny who walks around with her head held high like she's better than everyone else and knows what she wants, and gets it too. but i know jenny. i see through all the bull shit. always did. but liked her anyway, because i could see the vulernability undearneath it all. (much like my husband). HOWEVER....the first strike was the night she met adonis. jenny, having been filled in on adonis' devastating discovery that yes, rose has a past, (he found photographs of me and one of my former affairs laying in a hotel bed at a party and he flipped out, claiming he didn't want to know anything about my past because he would not be able to handle it)- jenny flat out says the following to adonis the first time she meets him - "Hey I know you don't want to know anything about Rose's past, but the fact is she's a really great gal." i could NOT believe the nerve of her. the comment was completely out of the blue and had nothing to do with any of the conversation we'd been having. it felt as though she were trying to undermine me by bringing it up again. she had to have known that rehashing the issue of my past, and a conversation with my husband and i that was supposed to be PRIVATE, was not a good idea. also, it suggests to adonis that she knows things about my past and perhaps there's even more there to be uncovered. SNEAKY. next, she comes to my house one day (that's when I caught him checking her ass out), and having once been told that adonis plays the lotto all the time (and I don't), and that he is extremely anal about cleaning (and i'm not), she makes a POINT of telling him, "I try to play the lotto as often as i can," and "I am so anal about cleaning." I mean COME ON. then the whopper. she returns a third time and having just broken up with her boyfriend my husband feels it necessary to console her by telling her how BEAUTIFUL she is. at this point in our marriage he had never told me that. and when asked why he never said things like, "You're beautiful" or "I love you", he would tell me, "I'm just not that kind of person to say these things." and there....he's just said it, to HER!!! i was so crushed. although the last one was not necessarily her fault, i couldn't wait for her to leave. am i wrong?
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