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life and my husband's balls I have a lot on my mind today. Cold coffee and my husband's balls tops the list. I'm afraid my husband might have hernia. He's been complaining about pain in his right testicle. He's had it before and it took him two months to recover. The first thing that came to mind when he told me about the pain was, "Holy shit, I just quit my job and he has no insurance. Not only that, how will we manage if he's not working? There goes our savings." But I'm really working on positive thinking these days, so rather than worry, I came up with a solution. "I hope that's not the case hun, but if it is and you need to stay home to recover I can always temp for a while." Of course when I insisted that I make him a doctor's appointment the next day he told me to wait. He hates the doctor. "Wait for what? Your left ball to start hurting too. No you're going to the doctor this week and that's final," I insisted. "No, no, no let's wait and see." This is one of the things about my husband that bothers me most. When it comes to taking care of himself, he puts it off. But when it comes to taking care of others, like friends, family, and me, he's right there the second someone needs something. I let it go for now, but believe me if he's still hurting tonight he's going to the doctor. As for the cold coffee, well, ever since I became a mom I find that my coffee is never hot enough by the time I actually sit down to drink it. I should really wait on pouring it until the baby goes down for his first morning nap. **** So last night my husband asked me what I'm going to do with all the "baby stuff" our son has outgrown. I told him I want to find a home for it. Give it to someone in need. "Like WHO?" "I don't know, I'll find somebody." "What about if we have another baby?" "WHAT? Hun, I thought we discussed this already. I don't want another baby. One is enough. I'm not getting any younger you know." "I know, but don't you want a little Rose?" "No, not really." My husband looked disappointed, and I was left feeling less than somehow. And the negative thoughts start chipping away at my spirit. He should have married someone his age He probably regrets that he married me now What's wrong with me that I don't want another child? God you're so selfish I just don't know. I'm confused on this matter. I love being a mom. I love my son. I love the IDEA of another child (boy or girl, it wouldn't matter), but I have concerns about my energy level and ability to handle another. Also wouldn't I be pushing my luck to have another child at such a late age? And is it really fair to the child to have a mother who can't chase them around the yard. (Some days I'm so stiff I can barely walk let alone run!) Also, the older you get the more risk there is to the child and the mother, and my birth experience with my son was no picnic. Let's just say we were blessed we both faired well. But my husband is an extraordinary father. And this is no exageration. He LOVES our son so damn much. And not to give him this joy of having another, maybe a daughter, who knows - I feel like I'm taking something away from him. So all the "baby stuff" sits for now waiting for me to definitively make up my mind about what I want. What do I REALLY want, never mind all the rationale behind my thinking. What does my heart want. Which leads me to the next subject. So I've been giving this "What does life want from me" question a lot of thought. And here is what came to mind: First of all life wants me to trust it. Now there's a challenge. How do you trust something that does not always do things your way? That is unpredictable and sometimes even cruel, and won't be around forever? And here's the answer....you let go. Life wants me to let go. It wants me to get outside my head (my pain body, my ego, whatever you want to refer to it as) and to stop worrying. People who worry all the time are not present. To be present is the greatest gift you can give yourself, and certainly the people in your life. Think about it. When you worry do you ever worry about what is happening right now? When I worry it is always about what happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow. This is a waste of energy. And speaking of energy...respect the environment, earth's number one source of all energy. Oh and here's one....go get your son because he just woke up.
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