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the mask of motherhood Every morning I wake up with a mental list in my head of all the things I want to try to accomplish. As soon as the baby goes down for his first morning nap I make my way to the start line and it's ready set GO!!!! And I'm off....coffee, breakfast, brush my teeth, water plants, pay dentist bill, print out tax info from school loan, order lamp with safari theme to match baby's bedding, check email, pay cable bill, shred junk mail, do dishes, order food processor to make homemade baby food, lift weights, stretch, breath, finish reading "A New Earth", finish reading that HUGE stack of magazines you haven't managed to get to since the baby was born, clean out closets (throw out things you don't wear or use, organize), post items on ebay, update your blog, check for work from home opps, order ottoman (it's on sale right now for $19.99 at Bed, Bath and Beyond), organize digital photos and order online, order socks for hubby's work from Old Navy, and on, and on, and on. I would be superwoman if I could get all of these things done in a day. Even a week for that matter. Inevitably the list grows and grows and the things I manage to get done during my day are so minimal that I become overwhelmed and frustrated. I am a task master and not being able to cross each and every one of those things off my mental list drives me nuts. But I tell myself, "Rose, the most important thing is that you are PRESENT for your son. Stop thinking about all the things you need to do when you are with him. These things can wait, but he can't." And that's the truth isn't it? Every day that passes is one less day you'll have with your child. Before you know it they'll be off to college and moving out of the nest, and you'll feel inevitably empty, miss them, and wonder where the time went and why you didn't enjoy every moment you had with them when they were children. I consider my son as a soul that I have been given the privilege of nurturing and guiding. That is what parenting is. You are put in charge of this young soul and it is your job to nurture it so that it can grow into a confident, self assured, intelligent, open, sympathetic, apathetic, empathetic, aware human being that wants to contribute to the world rather than take away from it. As your child's caretaker one should not try to brainwash, control, or manipulate their child. Nor should they try to force them into doing things they wish they had done in their youth. Also it is of utmost importance not to harm, abuse, crush their spirit, or abandon their child in any way. Lead by actions not by words. Give them your time not your money. Teach them that the accumulation of things does not build character or make you a better person, it is the giving of things to others that sets you apart. Really, should a person have to get a license to parent? Take classes, get educated about what a child needs and what to expect when that child is no longer a fantasy or an idea, but a reality in your life. We need to be of a certain age to drink, to drive, we even need a license to drive, but you don't need a license to parent - to be responsible for another human being? Of course the question about who should determine whether or not you qualify could get sticky. I mean who are you to tell me I can't have a child right? I am reading a fantastic book (I've been trying to finish it for months now), called THE MASK OF MOTHERHOOD. I really believe that it should be required reading for first time moms. In essence it is about the unspeakable truths that mothers never share for fear that they will be deemed bad parents. Here is what it says on the back flap:
Becoming a mother is filled with the extremes of emotion - the highest highs and the lowest lows. But women are often reluctant to talk honestly about it for fear they'll be seen as bad mothers. With wit and candor, THE MASK OF MOTHERHOOD takes on myths and the misinformation, helping women to prepare for and deal with the depth of feeling that comes with the experience and, perhaps most important, letting them know that many, if not most, new mothers are feeling the same way. Susan Maushart, sociologist and mother of three, explores how motherhood affects our marriages and friendships, our relationships with parents, our sex lifes, and our self esteem. Becoming a mother is a momentous occasion. So why, when we're so up-front about everything from orgasms to liposuction, do we maintain such a conspiracy of silence about it? In THE MASK OF MOTHERHOOD, mothers will find the comfort and reassurance they deserve, and confirmation that, indeed, motherhood is the toughest job in the world, but can also be the most rewarding." ***** Hubby has his sex drive back, but I can't seem to find mine. Still, I never say no and am always glad that I said yes. It's just one of those things you don't think you want or need until you do it. I never thought I would feel this way. I have always been someone with intense drive and passion. It seems all of my passion is going into raising our son. Finding a balance is extremely challenging. Sometimes I am amazed that he still finds me attractive. Most of the time I'm still in my pajamas when he gets home, not a stitch of make-up. I don't see what he sees. I read an article in a magazine, probably Parenting, or something like that, and it talked about how husbands actually fall more in love with their wives, or become more sexually attracted to them if they feel that they're doing a good job raising their kids. I guess nothing is more of a turn on than a wife who is also a good mother. But this does not apply to all men. Some men have a hard time seeing their wives as sexual beings after the birth of a child. I was afraid this would happen with us, but alas it is not at all the case! I think that I have more of a problem seeing and feeling myself as a sexual being. I can't even look at porn anymore and get turned on, it feels like one of those things mothers just shouldn't be doing, not even with a sleeping baby in the other room. Of course I don't really believe this and I'm sure that with time this will change. Speaking of men...I wonder what a man might say is the hardest part of fatherhood? I am speaking of traditional families, where the men go to work and their wives stay at home with the kids or else put them in daycare. Yes their work lives are the same, but what about their social lives?
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