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sorry selfish Recently I read an article about a woman who, one year after her baby was born fell into a deep depression. I'm not sure if you can call this post partum depression. One year is a long stretch, but I can understand how this can happen. The accumulation of exhaustion and the gradual feeling of being disconnected from one's pre-baby self along with other adults (especially if you are a stay at home mom), the feeling of losing your identity, not having time for yourself, all of these things can contribute. I have been feeling a tad down, irritated, and misplaced. My husband was the first to point this out to me. "Where did you go?" He asked me one evening over dinner? "What do you mean?" "In your head? You're not here, you're not yourself." "I'm fine," I assured him. But this made me think, because at the very moment he asked me this question I WAS somewhere else - some singular place where there was no baby or husband, or responsibilities...just me and a book, or a movie - a block of time to start writing that book I keep telling myself needs to be written and the world was my oyster. But I couldn't tell him that. The thing I worry about in confessing this to you, my readers, is that you will think of me as ungrateful and selfish. But I promise you I'm not the only mother and wife who loves her children & her husband but still fantasizes about a day, just ONE day away from them. I once asked a friend of mine, the mother of an eight year old girl, what she would do with one whole day just for herself? "Just for ME?" She was incredulous. "A whole day?" "Yup." She thought long and hard, I watched the glow of a smile spread across her face. And then she told me that she would get her nails done, her hair, go shopping, and end the day with a glass of wine and a hot bath. It's not too much to ask, right? But for a mother it's all she secretly wishes for. If I had a day all to myself I would probably start with a leisurely cup of coffee at the local cafe, read a book while I sit there. Then a massage. A workout at the gym (I haven't been to the gym since I started experiencing morning sickness when I was pregnant). If it were summer I would spend the day on the beach, reading and relaxing. And I would end the day very much like my friend, in a bathtub with a glass of wine - probably throw in some music and a candle. Why not? Sometimes I also find myself wishing for THINGS. I don't want to be this kind of person who isn't happy with what she has and is deceived into thinking that the accumulation of things somehow makes a person, or at least makes them happy, because I know this is an illusion created by ad agencies and the media. Lately I've been wishing for a backyard. That's not too much to ask for either, right? I think you'll find that there are a lot of folks who live here in NYC who wish they had a backyard - a patch of green, a garden, and some fabulous outdoor furniture. One time I had this brilliant idea to decorate my apartment with outdoor furniture but never followed thru. Some of it is very sleek and more comfortable than some of the indoor furniture they have on the market, and a hell of a lot cheaper. If I had a backyard I would probably get something like this....
I am starting to think of Greece more and more as a possibility for our near future. I was telling my friend this and she thought it was a fantastic idea. "What do you have here anyway", she reminded me. "It's not as if you have a career and you don't really have family here...all you have is a tiny shoebox in the city. At least in Greece your son will get to be with his grandparents and his cousins, and you'll have that backyard you long for." She's right. I know she's right, but I'm terrified of starting my life over. I will certainly have to master the language. I'm planning on going back to school in the fall to study Greek. I think it's important that I'm able to communicate with my son in both languages. I also think that if we're going to consider Greece I absolutely have to learn the language. But first let me go there. I've never been. Can you believe it? We're still waiting on the greencard, three years now. The FBI is backlogged with background checks. I'm concerned my husband's case will get lost in the shuffle. I hate being at the mercy of an agency that has so many other things to deal with. Well I better sign off as my hubby will be home soon and I haven't yet gotten dressed. I'm actually going to get my hair done this evening! I may not have the entire day to myself, but at least I have that block of time where I know it'll be all about me. And if that sounds selfish, you're right it is.
chaos the javelina hunter - 2008-03-22 13:03:40 |
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