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i miss my husband I miss my husband. He is one room away from me - a mere fifty feet - and I really miss him. This is what happens when you have a baby. You hear stories about it, but you don't really get it until it happens to you. One day you're both snuggling up on the couch, watching a movie, sleeping in until nine, ten o'clock on a saturday, going on vacation, out to dinner, having drinks with friends, going to get togethers, and the next day you're coming home with an infant and everything changes. Suddenly your single friends stop coming around, but that's okay your married friends who have kids call out of the blue and invite you over. No more sleeping in, no more sleep at all really. And vacation is not happening for a long time so get used to it. This is not a complaint mind you, it's a fact. Children change everything. So here I am on the living room couch and my husband is in the bedroom putting the baby to sleep and I miss him madly and can't wait for him to get back to me because I haven't connected with him in days. We are like ships passing in the night. Yes, even after nearly six months of parenthood this continues to be the case. Oh but wait is that a snore I hear coming from the bedroom? CErtainly not the baby. Shit, he's asleep. So much for sex. A week, two weeks can go by before we actually get around to having sex. When we were without child, sex was a regular thing - and then surprise...we're pregnant!!! I found out we were expecting on Valentine's Day of last year. For a few consecutive days I had been feeling sickly. Some time around dinner I would get these waves of nausea. After about the third night of feeling the same thing I decided it was time I go to the nearest drugstore the next morning and buy a pregnancy test. I took the test in the bathroom stall at work before reporting for duty that day. I was shaken and confused when I saw the results, but not surprised. Somehow I just knew. Even before the nausea. But here's the thing, we hadn't planned this. We weren't ready. That didn't stop me from rushing to the nearest phone in one of the firm's conference rooms and calling to tell my husband. And as I told him the news excited washed over me and I decided this was good news after all. Yes indeedy me and my husband were about to start a new chapter in our lives and as far as I was concerned it was all meant to be. It was a one shot deal. That is the truth. Swear to god, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye if I am lying. It seems unfail doesn't it? When you think of all the women out there who have tried and tried to conceive but never see their test come up positive. How does something like this happen? I'm convinced my son was determined to be born. I am also of the belief each soul chooses its parents for a reason. It is part of something greater than we can ever recall, but it's there written in our unconscious. There is always something to be learned from our parents, and parents from their children. What will my son teach us? I look at him and I see an old soul. If you believe in reincarnation then you know what I mean by "old soul". If you think that's all a bunch of hog wash then you might at least be able to appreciate the fact that my son is deep. My son. It sounds so strange to me. MY son? My SON. I have a son. I am a mother. He's beautiful, my son. I can say that because he is. I can say that because he's mine. But in all honesty if he wasn't mine I would still be able to say it. Blue, blue eyes like his daddy, a button nose like his mom, and a smile that lights up the room. I am addicted to the smell of him, can't stop pressing my lips against his cheeks, I'm unable to sleep unless he's next to me and I know he's okay. I don't regret him at all. In fact he's the best damn thing that has happened to me. But I still miss my husband. I'm patient though. I can wait. Some day when the baby is sleeping through the night we'll reconnect again. We may not even know what to do with all that time on our hands. We may find that we're completely lost without having the responsibility of catering to our son pretty much every hour on the hour. Shit, we may even discover that we no longer like each other. That happens to some people when their children grow up and move out. Suddenly they look at one another from across the kitchen table and realize they don't even know each other anymore. Parenthood led them in different directions and instead of growing together they grew apart. Only they didn't actually know this was the case until the children were gone and they realied they had nothing in common but the children. I can't think that far ahead into the future or my head will burst. Right now I'm listening to the sound of my husband's snoring and I'm worried he'll wake the baby who is asleep next to his father. And the picture of the two of them like this will be etched forever in my mind and one day it will all just be a memory. Oh how time flies when you're a parent. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. Love Rose
Jenean - 2008-04-06 16:37:11 |
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