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dirty laundry I am not speaking to my husband. We had an argument last night and things were said that shouldn't have been said, and I feel so sad now and incredibly far away from who we were just one day ago. This sort of thing usually occurs on the weekends. When my husband has too much time on his hands he looks for a fight. But this time it was rather the opposite - an argument about what to do with the little time we do have. Friday night I talked to him about the possibility of each of us having a Sunday, just a couple of hours to do something we enjoy. In other words, one Sunday he may go for coffee with his friends, and the next I might go and take a Yoga class. I expected to be met with some sort of resistance but surprisingly he didn't challenge me on this. I think he has seen lately that I'm not feeling like myself. Sometimes I just feel so drained by the end of the day I can't even speak to him. I need some space of time that is just mine. I don't think this is unreasonable, and I don't think this makes me a bad mother - that I love my son any less, but I was sure he would see it this way. Well surprise, he didn't argue my point. I thought we were making progress. I thought he understood me and I was relieved and loved him more for it. But then Saturday (yesterday) he had to work and when he got home he wanted to go and do the laundry. I asked him to stay home with me and that I would do the laundry Sunday. I told him I was exhausted and I was sure he was, and wouldn't it be better to stay in together and both of us share the responsibility of getting the baby fed and put to sleep, instead of one of us staying alone to do this and the other having to do the laundry after such a long day? It just made more sense to me to wait till Sunday when we have the whole day ahead of us to relax and share in responsibilities. We would also both be more rested. My husband did not agree and insisted the laundry get done that night. He implied that the only reason I wanted him to stay home that night was so that I could lay on the couch. This was the WRONG thing to say as I NEVER, but rarely sit, lay or anything on the damn couch. Why he would say something like this I have no idea but it really pushed my buttons and before I knew it I was in tears. He also threw my request to have two hours away on a Sunday in my face. When I defended myself by telling him most woman would feel this way, and it didn't mean I didn't love my son, he begged to differ which really burned me up. My problem is I'm too reactionary. I get extremely defensive, emotional, and when this happens it makes me ineffective. So I ended up going to do the laundry out of spite, throwing my hands up in the air and putting my sneakers and coat on in a huff and took off faster than a speeding bullet. I cried all the way to the damn laundromat. And then cried some more while the clothes were on spin cycle. And more as I made the dreaded walk home. We have said but maybe five or ten words to one another today, but only because of the baby. All day long I have wanted to open up the discussion by saying something like, "Is it enough for you to be a father and a husband?" But try as I may I'm just too damn stubborn to speak to him. I anticipate he would say yes just so that it will make it harder for me to get my point across. But then I would challenge him by saying, "So you're telling me that last weekend when your friends invited you over for a cigar and a drink it would have been enough for you just to stay home with your wife and child, you would be okay with not ever going out with them again?" I think he'd have to get my point. I don't want to be the kind of person who keeps tabs, score, or throws the past in my husband's face, but during my pregnancy even when I was too sick or tired to go out I always encouraged him to go without me. And he did. He went for a coffee, or a ride, or for a drink. He went out and I usually did not. Even now his social life is so much fuller than mine is. I tried to explain that to him yesterday. I told him he did not understand because he wasn't the one who had to give up his job and stay home with the baby 24/7. This came out the wrong way of course. I didn't mean it to sound like I resented being with the baby or giving up my job. My point was that he had his job, which he loves and derives some sense of fulfillment from, then gets to come home to us. He has a life outside the house. He has adults to socialize with. (He works with a very good friend). I know for a fact that he would lose his mind if he were in my shoes. He can't stay inside, or sit still for very long. He needs to socialize with people. But using this as an example to prove my point backfired on me and again he told me I didn't love the baby. I have been told by readers and some acquaintances that my husband comes across as being controlling. None of my friends think so, they all love him. They see he has a bit of a stubborn streak, but they also see how much he loves and respects me. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I also think he is incredibly judgmental and how will I ever trust him again to discuss my feelings about the challenges of motherhood openly without being afraid of judgment, or worse...being compared to his mother who is like GOD in his eyes because she LIVED for everyone but herself. I can't be that kind of person. I don't believe that a woman can be any good to her family if she's not finding fulfillment in some other aspect of her life. I just really need him to see this and to support this. I need to be more than just a mother and a wife. I need an outlet. Maybe by tomorrow this whole thing will have blown over, but I'm afraid that unless we really sit down and talk about this again and find some kind of closure that makes sense to both of us, we will only grow further and further apart in our parenthood journey. I always feared that having a child would tear us apart. Now I realize it only magnifies what was already broken in the first place.
chaos the javelina hunter - 2008-04-13 20:06:15 |
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