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the perfect wife
2008-04-14, 1:38 p.m.

Hello everybody!. I hope you had a good weekend. If you read my post yesterdy then you know that mine was a bit rough. Regardless, I was able to get my new site, ECO MAMA, up and running. Please check it out if you get a chance and be sure to enter for your chance to win our "GOING GREEN GIVEAWAY" for the month of May, a California Baby Gift Tote valued at $40.

*******

Unfortunately as of this morning my husband and I were still not speaking. Oh, I stand corrected. He did speak to me, I believe it was something like, "Stupid."

I don't want to continue this silence. It's not good for him, me or the baby. Children are extremely sensitive, even at such a young age I believe they can feel it when there is tension.

So I phoned my husband a little while ago and said, "Look I love you and I don't want to fight with you anymore."

He made a joke, something like, "Why not?

I thought we were making progress until he accused me again of being "Stupid".

I had promised myself I wasn't going to fight with him again, but I had to defend myself.

"Two hours is not a lot to ask for. YOU asked me for two hours just the other day and did I say anything?"

"You can have TWENTY hours if you want, me and the poochie (his nickname for the baby) will be fine without you."

"You know what, I don't f*cking want the two hours anymore. I'm done talking about it, and I will never trust you again with my feelings about anything. I'm tired of you judging me."

"Oh everybody judges you."

"What?"

"You're always saying how everybody judges you?"

Where he was getting this I didn't know. He is clearly trying to drive me crazy and doing a good job of it. Yesterday it was how "Everyday it's something", and now today he was accusing me of complaining of being judged.

Again I was reduced to tears and had to hang up.

Thank god the baby was asleep the whole time, because I ended up in the bathroom with the door shut(so the baby couldn't hear me), sobbing and finding myself contemplating divorce.

I do not feel heard.

I do not feel understood.

I do not feel appreciated.

And I'm beginning to feel like a stranger to myself.

It hit me hard, this realization that I am not fuctioning as I once did when I lived as a single woman. Everything I am, that I do now, gets filtered through my husband first. It's my fault of course, for letting this happen. I used to want his approval so badly, now I resent him for trying to make me into something I'm not.

PERFECT.

YESTERDAY - TOMORROW

LEAVE A COMMENT

bird - 2008-04-14 14:08:42
I'm not sure what to say except that I give you psychic hugs.
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chaos the javelina hunter - 2008-04-14 16:47:29
me too, lots of hugs. I think that having the baby changed you in ways that did not change your husband.... He is the same, you are not. Tell him to listen without talking, and spill it all to him, then let him talk. It seems to me he really doesn't understand.
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