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phone call from a friend
I missed her call because I was putting the baby down for his afternoon nap, but when I saw that the call was from her I knew immediately she'd read about my recent dilemna with my husband regarding my request for a little bit of time away twice a month, and she was calling to see how I was doing. So once the baby was fast asleep I called her back. I could hear the empathy in her voice as she asked me how I was doing. She's from Russia and, like me, she married someone she had only known a short time - someone from a different country. Believe me when I tell you, this adds to the many challenges a couple with a new baby faces. A man from Swedan may have very different ideas, culturally, than a woman from Russia. And that's just on top of the difference between men and women, and individual differences couples often face. But all seems just fine with her, which makes me wonder what my life would have been like had I married a Swede or even an American man. She told me today how being a working mom makes her appreciate her baby all the more. You know like that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" saying. I can understand that. But I just can't imagine being away from the baby for such a long period of time during the day. I told her that 80% of the time I LOVE the fact that I'm a stay at home mom, but the other 20% of the time I struggle with it. Like I've said several times before in my blog I know this is largely due to the fact that I don't have a space of time that is just for me each week - to spend a couple of hours with a friend, or taking a yoga class, or just window shopping. Anyway, it was just really nice to have someone to talk to. Last night when my husband came home I could see he was willing to put it all behind us, but he infuriated me by telling me that I need to "wake up", when I asked him how his day was. For the rest of the night I was distant and quiet. Resentment bubbling just underneath the surface. I honestly wanted to tell him, "YOU are the one who needs to wake up or you're going to lose me", but I didn't want to have that conversation. Not right now. I am hoping he's going to come around on his own, like he has after other conflicts we've had in the past. I know he's capable of making necessary changes in order to continue to make our marriage work. I'm just not sure that when it comes to the issue of giving me my space to enjoy time with friends that he's going to be able to handle it. I know it has to do with fear of losing me. He's used to being the one with all the options, while I have had none. That's not really so much his fault as it is mine. I stopped putting forth the effort to make new friends. I stopped accepting invitations, and I stopped extending them after meeting my husband. He got used to the idea that I was always available. BIG mistake on my part. ***** I figured out why my body was so out of whack. The day after I took that pregnancy test my menstrual cycle resumed itself after a fifteen month hiatus! I've read that it is perfectly normal for breastfeeding mothers to experience this delay. I was kind of hoping I could get a few more months out of the deal, but it's back. I have to say it didn't feel like fifteen months. It's like seeing a friend you haven't spoken to for over a year and when you see them it's like no time has past. Everything is as it was the last time you were together. I had an appointment scheduled to see the obgyn tomorrow evening but now will have to reschedule. I really want to get an IUD. I've made the decision that I'm not having any more children.
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