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why i run My husband thinks we've made peace. He kisses me good bye in the morning as he goes off to work and I return his gesture half-heartedly. But he only sees the other half - the half that is kissing him. And he probably thinks to himself, "Good, everything is okay with us. She finally came to her senses. She knows I'm right." But he's wrong. And maybe I'm wrong not to let him know everything is NOT okay. But I'm too tired to have THAT CONVERSATION with him again. I still love him. He's not as bad as I feel I make him out to be sometimes. While I love the fact that my readers always seems to be on my side, keep in mind that there's two sides two every story. Although his side of this story doesn't make a damn bit of sense and that's my objective opinion - ha! I remind myself that he's younger than I am by six years, and those six years make a big difference between a man and a woman when the woman is the older of the two. Also, and I hate to admit this, both he and I are inexperienced when it comes to relationships. And while we've grown a great deal since that first day we met almost four years ago, we still have a longggggggg way to go. When we met each other we both came into the relationship with a great deal of inexperience and immaturity - we were like two high school teens. There was always so much DRAMA. We didn't know how to talk TO one another, it always seemed that when there was an argument he would yell and I would run away. Funny, it's still my instinct to run sometimes, but now that I have a baby NO CAN DO. Also, I'm a bit more mature now in this relationship where I can stop myself before I take off. I understand now how completely ineffective this is. Simply put, you can't run away from your problems. We all know this rationally, but emotionally sometimes....well...you just want to get the hell out of there because you're tired of fighting. Funny, usually when I ran away I had NO idea whatsoever where the heck I was going to so I'd end up walking around the block a few times. I never forget the day my husband called me on this habit I had of running. "Why you always run?" If he had asked me, "Why you run," it might not have struck me, but the world "always" really made me think. "Always" implied I had a pattern of doing something. Why DID I always run? My father once told me that he often had to chase me up and down the neighborhood streets when I was old enough to run. He would take me for a walk and maybe turn his head for a second and then back again and I'd be halfway down the street already. (My mother worked days, my father worked evenings so it was often him who took me for my daily walk.) I was always running as a child, even then it was my nature to run away. I can't tell you how many times I got lost in the woods behind our house because I started running and lost track of where I was. Was I running away from something? Probably? I was a sensitive child and there were plenty of fights in my house between mom and dad. Dad had a temper and mom didn't know when to back down, she constantly challenged him. I didn't like it when they fought so I took off. My relationship with my husband practically mirrors the one my mother and father had. I'm not stupid. I get it. History repeats itself. We choose partners with whom we can work our shit out with by reliving it in an effort to make it right this time. I can tell you this, I'm not backing down on this subject. It means too much for me. He thinks he's won this one. He thinks it's settled and we've moved on. But he'll see...you've only won when you can look at your spouse and know that they're happy. Right now he's at a loss....he just doesn't know it yet. I'm just waiting for the right moment to reintroduce the subject. I have a feeling it's just around the corner. Could it be we have another long weekend ahead of us? **** I haven't written much about the baby's sleep habits in a while. Well here's the thing, there have been no changes. He's six months old now and still not sleeping more than two hours at a time. I'm sure that all of this interrupted sleep my husband and I are getting is contributing to our ability to be rational. The other day I lost the grapefruit juice. Damned if I could find it. I knew I had taken it out of the fridge, poured myself a glass, and THOUGHT I had put it back inside but the next time I went to pour a glass it wasn't there. I found it hiding on the top shelf in the cabinet where we keep our wine glasses. Could it be that I really want a glass of wine? I do actually. Sometimes during the day I'll find myself eyeing the row of wine bottles we keep in a wine rack in the kitchen. I haven't really been able to enjoy a glass of red wine without the guilt of having to consider how it might effect my son. First it was as a pregnant mom, now it's because I'm a breastfeeding mother. I look forward to the day when I can retire my udders and sit down and enjoy a glass of chianti. You can understand can't you? I only hope that in an act of desperation I don't drive myself to drink. So yeah, like I said my son is still not sleeping through the night, or at all for that matter. So I got desperate again and purchased yet another book about how to get your child to sleep. SUCKER! No seriously, this one promises to be the book that will save my life. It's called "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Anyone here read it?
I hope it works. Of course it doesn't help that he has a cold, and is teething, and now seems to have a bit of reflux. Poor little bub. ****** Going to get out for a walk today. It's expected to be in the high sixties. I'm trying to get out as much as I can during the day. It always makes me feel better.
sduckie - 2008-04-16 11:47:57 |
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