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how much i love my son I have been so worried about my son. He does this strange thing with his body when he's laying down on his back. It's difficult to explain but I'll try. It's like every muscle tightens up and he makes this grunting sound. (Nope, it's not a bowel movement). Sometimes he does it several times in a row. I don't think it's ever happened when sitting up. So I video taped one of his episodes and took it with me to the doctor yesterday morning. Yesterday was his six month check-up, and third round of the DTap and Rotavirus. (I hate it when he gets shots, his pain just breaks my heart and I'm still so paranoid about all the things that could go wrong as a result of the shots). Anyway, doc looked at the video and seemed a tad concerned. He watched it three times before he rules out the possibility that it could be any sort of seizure activity taking place. "Because he's very alert," he explained. He's looking right at you when you're taping this." "Yeah," I conceded. "He usually looks right at me when this is happening. Other times he'll look to the side." Doc went on to admit that he had never seen this kind of thing before. "Then again no one has ever brought me in a video tape of their child to show me if they think something unusual is taking place." And that was it. He could offer me no explaination. But was not concerned enough to go and get one of his partners and ask them if they might have an idea (which is what I was hoping he would do). I do hope it's nothing. This morning baby is not himself and seeing this caused me to have an emotional outburst. After my husband left to go to church my son checked out on me. I tried to get him to have eye contact, to smile, to laugh, even to cry - something - but he was pretty much unresponsive. I didn't think he could be tired. He had just taken a two hour nap and only been awake forty-five minutes. I do know that children stop making eye contact when they're tired, but my imagination got the best of me and I started thinking, "It's the damn vaccines, they've given my son autism." Anyway, I laid down with him on the bed and started playing, talking to him like I usually do. Very little response from him. He just stared blankly at me. And I freaked out. But alas, nearly ten minute later my son had fallen sound asleep. So could it be that he's recovering from the effects of the shots he received that is causing him to be so withdrawn and tired, or is this normal? I'll tell you what though, I realized in that moment, through my tears and worry, just how much I love my son. It is unconditional and it is overwhelming. It's also a bit frightening. Knowing that for the rest of my life I'll worry about everything that happens to him is almost too much for me. It reminds me of how much I loved my mom and when she got sick with the cancer there was a definite change in her that frightened me as a child. Her laughter and her smiles were replaced with a drawn, tired version of my mother. She spent all day on the couch vomitting into a bucket instead of in the kitchen making delicious homecooked food. I should have been experiencing my childhood, but soon that was replaced by the constant worry that something was going to happen to her and I was determined that if it did I would be right by her side. Sometimes I would sit on the floor next to the sofa where she would sleep for hours, and worry myself to tears thinking that she might not wake up. That's how I felt this morning laying next to my son and watching him as he drifted off to sleep. If anything happens to him something inside me would die. Life would be unliveable. I don't know how people recover from such a loss. The loss of a child is probably the worst loss known to mankind. ************ I spoke with my aunt yesterday. Her husband is my father's brother. She gives me updates on his status. Being that I have not heard from or seen my father in...oh....about sixteen years now....I have no choice but to get the info from my aunt. So he moved to Texas about six months ago, with his second wife (the woman he remarried just five short months after my mother's death in '83). My aunt gets calls from my stepmother, who never bothered with her until she found out that I was in touch with this one aunt. (I do not keep in touch with anyone else in the family). Anyway, from what my aunt can gather, my stepmother still has a drinking problem because every time the woman calls my aunt she sounds drunk. she also has the nerve to criticize my father for retiring. Mind you the guy is 73 and has Crohm's Disease. She apparently hasn't changed at all. She was always so concerned with money and keeping up with the Joneses. Regardless of my father's lack of love and support over the years, do you know I feel sorry for him. And if he ever called me and asked me to come and visit him I'd do it. I would forgive him. Apparently my father has announced he's ready to die. That makes me incredibly sad. It also makes me think about what I'm doing to do when the day comes. Do I fly to Texas and attend his funeral? Or do I just go on with my life. I just don't know. ****** Last night friends of ours came for a visit and a great time was had by all. I love having company, and I really love entertaining. I'd forgotten how much. ********** Well baby just woke up and is babbling to himself (a GOOD sign). More later
sduckie - 2008-05-04 14:21:30 |
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