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standing my ground
My husband is not one to express himself this way. In fact he's rather awkward when it comes to putting his feelings into words, on paper or in person. So this just meant a lot to me. And of course the flowers - because he knows how much I love flowers. But before you sing him a chorus of praises like, "What a great husband" or "She's so lucky my husband didn't do anything," let me tell you what happened the day before. A friend of mine, someone I used to work with, has invited me on more than one occasion to come to her apartment in the Bronx, meet her mother, and have lunch. I had mentioned this invitation once before to my husband off-handedly and he'd said nothing. So Saturday, after receiving a call from her, I hung up the phone and asked him if it would be okay for me to do this one afternoon on the weekend. Do you know what he said? He said NO. This escalated into a huge argument. When I asked him why the only excuse he could come up with was that she lived in the Bronx. Unfortunately the Bronx has received a bad rap over the years for it's crime rate. But what most people don't know is that the Bronx is actually a very beautiful part of Manhattan and not all of the Bronx is plagued with crime. Not to mention the fact that I would be inside my friend's apartment enjoying a meal. How much harm could this cause? Well I flew off the handle. Reminding him of how incredibly UNFAIR he was being. Hadn't he just recently asked me for a couple of hours to go to a friend's house? I had no issue with it. In fact any time he wanted to go out, for a coffee, or to help a friend out, whatever he wanted - when his parents were in town for seven weeks he took them out every weekend into the city while I stayed home with the baby. I didn't complain. While I was pregnant he went out while I stayed home because I was too exhausted, or nauseaus. I can count the number of times I have been out without my husband since I got pregnant. TWO. TWO TIMES. That's TWO TIMES in a year. So I finally laid it out for him so he would understand. "Do you know how you look right now?" I asked him. "What?" "You look like a controlling asshole husband." This really pissed him off. "What did you say." "You're trying to control me, all the time. Where I go, who I go with, if I go, and I'm tired of it." "That's ridiculous. You can't be controlled." "Oh but you try. You try really hard." "I didn't say you couldn't go out with her, I just said I don't want you going to the Bronx. She could come here and you could go around here or something." "Who are YOU to tell me I can't go to her house?" This pissed him off even more. "Who am I?" "Yeah, who ARE you?" "I am your husband." "Could have fooled me. Feels more like you're trying to parent me and I don't like it." I was on the verge of tears and trying desperately not to cry. Meanwhile I had forgotten the baby was in the middle of this entire conversation. There he was looking up at me on the verge of tears himself. That stopped me in my tracks. "We're not doing this in front of the baby. We'll talk about this later." He didn't argue. One thing we both agreed on was that we didn't want to fuck up our son by subjecting him to any conflicts that may arise between mommy and daddy. So I went into the bathroom and let it rip. The tears came and my mind went into overdrive. I don't know how much longer I can take it. I can't do this. He's unfair. It's not fair. I don't want to be here right now. I wish I could run away. I love my son but I don't know if I can do this anymore. Just then the phone rang. It was my friend phoning back to apologize for being disconnected earlier. I debated whether or not I should let it go to voicemail. I knew that if I picked up the phone I was going to end up crying. Oh fuck it. "Hi, I'm sorry I can't talk right now. I just asked my husband if I could come to your house for lunch one afternoon and he said no, so ummm...." I started crying again, sobbing. I couldn't speak anymore. "I gotta go." I hung up. I hadn't even given her a chance to respond. I couldn't. My husband just stood there staring at me incredulously. I hoped that I'd embarassed him. But couldn't be sure really. I went into the kitchen to finish washing the dishes. Trying to compose myself. After doing the dishes I went and got the baby from my husband. "I'm going to breastfeed him," I said. I didn't make eye contact with him. I just took the baby and went into the bedroom and laid down with him. I was exhausted. Within minutes the baby and I had both fallen asleep. An hour later, when baby and I woke up, my husband crept in with a smile and laid down next to us. He seemed apologetic. He certainly wasn't angry. He asked me what I wanted at the grocery store and I told him I really didn't care what he got. Later on, when he returned from the grocery store he was trying so hard to be nice, which made me think that perhaps he'd realized he was wrong. I'm not one to hold a grudge so I accepted what I thought was his unspoken apology. Fast forward to Mother's Day. He went in the morning to get me these flowers. Then as we got ready for church I decided to bring it up again, thinking this time he'd change his mind. Well he had not changed his tune at all. He still didn't want me going to her house. Only this time it wasn't about location, this time his excuse was that he didn't know her. Which was even more upsetting to me. "Why do you need to know her? She's my friend." "How do you know her?" "I worked with her for a year. We had lunches together, conversations, she came to our house to celebrate our son's birth remember? Gave us a hundred dollars. As I recall you had no issue with her then." That shut him up. "And by the way, I don't know the people you work with, but you've been to their houses. Your boss in New Jersey last year while I stayed home, remember? You didn't get home until late that night." He still didn't know what to say. He had to know he was being ridiculous. Just then the phone rang. It was my friend. Her ears must have been burning. She called to check on me, and suggested that she would come here and we could go for lunch, take the baby with us. I told her that sounded like a great idea. But really, I hadn't given up on the idea that I would go to her house. I wasn't backing down on that. When I hung up I told my husband what she said, and he had the NERVE to tell me the baby would not be going with us. "What the hell is wrong with you!" I accused him. "What?" "What. I can't take the baby with me? Why, what do you think is going to happen? Really why are you being this way?" "Because that's the way I am. I can't help it." "Well you better start thinking of ways to help or this marriage is going to fail miserably." We went through the day without anyone we came into contact knowing that we'd been fighting. I had decided to move on and let it go for now, but he had to know I wasn't backing down. We went to church and then for lunch with some friends. I actually enjoyed my day. I could still see my husband trying to make it up to me in some way, like he knew he was wrong but he couldn't admit it, or do anything to change it. Later in the day another one of our friends invited us over for coffee. I love this woman, by the way. She's down to earth and a lot of fun. She's also someone you can talk openly to and not feel judged. In fact she was the last person I'd gone out with. In December, when my husband's parents were here, one evening I had dinner with her locally while my husband went into Manhattan with a couple of his friends. So while my husband went outside with her boyfriend to smoke a cigar, I took my friend's hand, while holding the baby in my arms with the other, and said, "Okay now we're going to have some girl talk." I asked her how things were going with her boyfriend, who after six years together still had not proposed to her. She informed me that she'd given him an ultimatum that if they were not engaged by the end of the year she'd have to move on. Now this guy is someone I never really liked or trusted. My husband had told me of his infidelities to her over the years and you don't know how hard it was for me to keep it in and not share with her. But I did, out of loyalty to my husband. I was never so relieved when I received a call from her telling me she'd found out he'd cheated on her. I was certain she'd move on from the bastard. He didn't deserve her. She was too good for him. But she stayed. And she stayed. And she waited and waited for the damn proposal, watching while all of us (myself included) got engaged and married. When she asked me what was up with me I just broke down. I told her everything. I told her I didn't know how much more I could take. I told her I wasn't sure who I was anymore. That I had to be more than just a mother and a wife, but wasn't being given that chance. She is pretty close to my husband. They've known each other for years, before he met me. "NO, that's wrong," she insisted. "HE is wrong. I will talk to him. He can't do that to you. You NEED time for yourself or you WILL, you'll lose it." I was relieved to have someone give me an affirmation and a show of support. She knew how I felt being a single mom of two girls, nine and seventeen. Their father died a few years ago leaving her with the sole responsibility of raising them. She was terrified. At first she was afraid of what people would think if she left her nine year old home with her seventeen year old and went out to have a dinner with her boyfriend, or out for drinks. She worried people would think that made her a bad mom. But then, she said, "I stopped caring, and I started living my life. I'm no good to my kids, NO good at all if I'm not living my life in some way. I am more than a mother. I have to be. And so do you." I told her that I felt my husband had such high expectations of me because of his mother who had given up everything for her children - whose entire life were her children because in Greece, in those days, this is what was expected. She is still this way. I honestly don't think she'd know what to do with herself if someone told her to take a two week vacation by herself with no responsibilities. I'd be willing to bet she wouldn't go. She'd be miserable. Her identity is wrapped up in her children and grandchildren. I can't be that person. I love my son. I want to be a good mom, but I also know that I want thing for myself too. Things that have nothing to do with my husband or my son. And that's okay too. "Listen," she said. "We'll go out some time. You and me...and the baby if your husband has other things to do. Just call me up and we'll take a walk, go shopping, have lunch. Don't feel that just because you're a mother now you can't get out. You're life does not end here. I promise you." Last night, after our visit there I felt so much better. I just knew that everything was going to be alright as long as I stood up for what I believed in and didn't let my husband bully me. The truth is, he's a good person. I know that it may be tempting for those of you who do not know him to judge him based on what I write alone. Some may see his need to control me as a sign of an abusive husband. But he's not. He's actually very loving, loyal, generous, fun, and incredibly insecure. He has never, nor would he ever lay a hand on me. So while the need to control may be viewed as jealous, it's really insecurity. If he doesn't know someone then he considers them a threat, I imagine. Perhaps he's afraid they'll steal me away. Or influence my thinking in some way that will threaten our marriage. I imagine it has something to do with his youth. He's only 32. And although some of you may think that's old enough to know, you have to understand he grew up in a small village in Northern Greece. His idea of what makes a mother and a wife is very different from the ideas they have here in America. That's not his fault. It's part of the culture. We ended the day on the sofa watching Michael Clayton and holding hands, while the baby slept soundly in his crib. I'm not ready to give up on my husband quite yet. He has grown so much since we met, so I know he's capable of progress. I have to believe that he'll do the right thing for the sake of our marriage. But I promise you, dear diary, I will not back down. Love Rose
Elisabeth - 2008-05-12 19:34:20 |
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