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<< seeing red >> My husband is having his period again and quite predictably it arrives on the day I'm scheduled for a night out without him. Not sure that he's aware of the timing of his shit mood but I certainly am. This morning I asked about a contestant on "America's Got Talent", I wanted to know if they got through because I was tired and went to bed before I could find out, and he made a big fricken deal about why do I care so much about people I don't know, that I don't care enough about him and the baby, and I watch too much tv, and this and that, and blah, blah, blah, and before you know it I was seeing red. When I see red I can no longer be responsible for my actions. I throw things, scream, cry, and fight the impulse to punch. This time it was the coffee filter I was washing in the sink. And then the sponge, and then the tears. And then HE accused ME of being "crazy". And then I tell him what I always tell him when he calls me crazy. "YOU make me crazy." "No, you're already crazy." [MAMA ROSE CRYING] "You're the one whose crazy. I ask you one friggen little question and instead of just answering me with a yes or no, you use the opportunity to put me down. Can't you ever say anything nice to me. I tell you all the time how much I appreciate and love you. YOU're the one who watches the show not me. You're the one who stayed up to watch the show. And you're trying to tell me I watch too much fricken television. At least I know to go to bed when I'm tired." And then my husband takes me in his arms to console me but it's done a bit mockingly and it pisses me off more and I don't let him hold me. And I can't stop crying because I'm extremely sensitive these days. I don't know why. Last night I started crying again because he told me the dinner I made wasn't so great. He was right of course. I'd made stuffed peppers and the peppers and the rice weren't cooked enough but he didn't like the chicken dish I'd prepared the night before with the slow cooker I recently purchased and I just couldn't take another thumbs down on my cooking so I started crying. And then later I started crying out of the blues about how I can no longer breastfeed our son and how sad that makes me. That I miss the baby he used to be who needed my milk to sustain him and how connected we were then. My husband's solution to the pain I was feeling, "Let's have another." We're never on the same page about having another. One day it'll be me who thinks it might be a good idea, with my husband on the fence, and the next day my husband wants another kid, he thinks, and I'm not so sure I can go through it again. I get it now, why people make the conscious decision to have more kids. They're babies grow up and they miss those babies so they want to replace them. Am I wrong? That and they want their children to have siblings. Anyway, back to my husband. He felt bad afterwards. Trying to hug and kiss me goodbye, but I wasn't going to let him off that easily and I have him a half-hearted peck. I cannot wait to have some time of my own this evening. You really have no idea. Martin and I are seeing the new Batman movie at an Imax theater and going for Thai food, neither of which my husband would ever be caught dead doing. So I will most certainly enjoy. ************************ I'm having a hard time working up the courage to meet with my new mom's group, and one mom in particular who has a son my age and wants to get together. It's kind of like going on a blind date, I was never good at them. I worry that we won't hit it off and it will be uncomfortable and awkward and a waste of time. I recently had a negative experience with another mom of a baby close to my son's age. I won't get into it, but it was upsetting and didn't end very nicely.
boXx - 2008-08-06 13:17:23 |
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